06 September 2015

Beware the flares

I took the kids to the mall this morning. This is akin to me running a half marathon.
This simple act requires determination and a fitness of mind that defies description.
I took time deliberately to get dressed properly - each moment carefully and purposefully executed.

1. find your jeans Mel. find jeans that actually fit properly.
2. find a shirt, feel the fabric, tell yourself what that fabric feels like. breathe
3. shoes. you need shoes. not any shoes. find cool shoes. like your converse.
4. brush your hair. brush your teeth. at least attempt to fix your face and hide the dark circles.
5. breathe.
6. dont cry.
7. you CAN do this.
8. YOU CAN DO THIS.

I took the kids to breakfast at the Mugg and Bean. A simple act that almost had me completely undone as I noticed that we now fitted a standard table for four. No more dragging an extra chair.

That. THAT is now my life. Moments that completely explode before me without any warning. Moments that have the potential to destroy me.

I did not cry. I did not even let my kids see the flare that ripped my heart in two.

I had breakfast. Or rather they had breakfast, I had coffee.

And they squabbled and I moaned at them.

Life.

It carries on regardless of the fact that on the inside I have already died just a little bit.