21 October 2015

Walking Through the Days

 I really wanted to blog more often. I wanted to one day look back and see how I made it through the most heartbreaking time of my life. What did I do each day? How did I manage?

Truth is I have not been able to blog. I have written perhaps 4 journal entries. I could not even tell you how I have made it through the last 56 days. In a nutshell it would probably look something like this:

1. The kids. Conversations with my children have often left me speechless. Their wisdom defies their years and I am so utterly grateful to have them in my life.

(when discussing times that may be hard in the future)

Rachel: Mom, I have never been married so I have never had a dad walk me down the aisle. I have many great men in the family who can do that for me.

Levi: Dad taught you how to drive, Mom. So when you teach me it is actually still Dad teaching me.

Levi: We may never be as happy as we could have been but that does not mean we cant ever be happy.

2. My family. We have always been a super tight knit clan but this has pulled us together in ways few would understand. I am eternally grateful for my dads right now - both of whom are keeping my world afloat in terms of Russell's business and his estate.

3. My friends. I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined I would be surrounded by so many strong, loving, funny, wise and devoted women. Women who love me at my very worst, women who constantly remember me and include me and allow me the space to just be what I am in the moment. Russell knew this - he trusted my friends to take care of me and they continue to do so every day.

4. Chores. Yes. Simple acts like hanging the washing. Stacking the dishwasher. Wiping the surfaces. Cleaning the pool and pulling out weeds. All these simple things are acts that require great discipline but reap rewards in terms of my sanity. Unfortunately going to the mall is not on this list - this chore still require superhuman strength.

5. Series. The more mindless the better as my attention span is questionable at the best of times.

6. Pyjamas. And Russell's jerseys.

7. Coffee.

Things I have not been able to do:

1. Read. My capacity to read is gone. I cant concentrate at all. Not even a magazine.
2. Run. I am (was) weak and way to emotional every time I pulled on my running shoes.
3. Answer the landline or any unknown number. Dont call my landline - I wont answer it.
4. Clear or sort or throw anything out. I still have everything in my home that I had 2 months ago. 
5. Simple administrative tasks like paying outstanding bills. I care not. I will one day but its not today.

I can only say that almost 2 months down the line my heart is more broken with each day. It definitely feels worse. I have had to face the fact that it will never be okay - I will not wake up one day and feel like 'Okay, its done, lets move on with life'. The best I hope for each day is enough guts to simply make life look good for the kids.

Like I said to my friend T this afternoon - I am done with this human charade. Over it. Bring on the next scene.


cat said...

Mel you are constantly on my mind and my prayers. I really do not know what to say - apart from the above. And that you can tell Rachel my mom walked me down the isle . (I lost my dad at 7 to a heart attack). Moms can do that job too

Miranda said...

One foot in front of the other, right? You are enough, even now. xx

Nocturnal Wenchy said...

Keep going, 5 minutes at a time. My Grandfather walked me down the aisle. My dad died when I was 11.

I wish you peace.

Nocturnal Wenchy said...

Keep going, 5 minutes at a time. My Grandfather walked me down the aisle. My dad died when I was 11.

I wish you peace.

Lynette Jacobs said...

Baby steps and moment by moment Mel. Sending lots of love and big bear hugs.

AngelConradie said...

You and your family are in my prayers.