I feel slightly at a loss with my blog at the moment. Not quite sure how I transition from the intensity of the last few months (and posts) to random arb posts about my day to day living. All seems ridiculously trivial. What the hell is the point?
I guess I am going to simply write because its a discipline I know is beneficial. I know that writing helps me embrace my shit that I cant vocalise any other way.
I was lamenting to a friend recently that I cant cry. Well, not easily anyway. And when I do I immediately try to make it stop. Crying for me always seems thoroughly counter-productive and extremely self-serving. I don't like it. I would far rather take that pain and DO something.
One of the few things that can usually help bring on the tears is when I sit down and let my hand slide across the page - unedited, perhaps wrecklessly but ultimately honestly.
I am beginning to think I may need to reassess things - perhaps tone down the DOING and try get in touch with the FEELING.
Even writing that makes my blood run cold.
Scary scary shit.
I have been told I need to go for therapy. Frankly I call bullshit. I know what needs to be done. I just need the courage to go there and trust that despite what comes out I will recover and regroup.
The fact of the matter is this - despite the fact that my entire life has turned upside down and that everything I have ever known or trusted has been challenged I still feel thoroughly like myself. In fact, I feel more like myself than ever before.
Perhaps I need to unpack that in the future. Or not.