I have felt it coming on for a few weeks. Stalking me quietly. Grinning menacingly at me as I tried to find ways to ward off the oncoming assault.
I do not suffer from depression and I never have. I did, however, live with a man who fought the battle his entire life. I know the signs, symptoms and I am well acquainted with this beast.
I am flattened. I am tired. I am worn out. I am bleeding. I have no reserve but to simply let it come for me.
God knows I have tried.
Almost six months later I am realising there is no escape.
No matter how many 'strong choices' I make...or how many kilometres I clock ..... or how many happy hours I spend doing crazy things....NONE of that is holding back the oncoming tide. I am going to drown. And soon.
It took a simple, loaded statement to make me wake up and see the pending destruction,
"Mom, it feels like we have been orphaned.
You are hardly here because of all the work you have to
do and when you are here you are never really present."
I do not know what that something is right now apart from phoning my mom and asking her to please come over immediately.
Chances are good she will know the answer.
My mom is cool like that.