24 March 2016

Beautiful and Terrible



This came up on my timeline this morning. I read it and it resonated with me. It made me smile but only for a split second. 

But then I remember. Almost a year ago to the day...I woke up to run Two Oceans and Russ was supposed to run with me. Everything was good. Except he was still feeling a bit nauseous and I suggested he not run this year. He agreed and graciously made me coffee and taxi-ed myself and my friends to the start line.

He drove away with a farway look in his eyes - typical runner FOMO - pissed off that we could not do it together. 

Next year we said.

Five days later we got the diagnosis.

Five months later he was gone. 

I fight a silent battle. I have seen how quickly something amazing can fall apart. I have felt pain like I never believed possible. I have fought like a freaking beast to survive and (by the grace of God) even thrive. 

I am so afraid to be happy. I am afraid to look ahead and make plans. 

It scares the living shit out of me.

3 comments:

Joanne said...

You are doing so well - embrace it you deserve it! Russ is smiling down and could only be happy for you and the kids. Love you lots xxx

ANNE said...

Brave girl! Lots of love and approval.

Wendy Loubser said...

Be happy, despite the fear. Do it afraid, despite the sweaty palms and knocking knees, you deserve it. Life is scary, loss is painful ... But don't deny yourself another chance at heady headlines due to fear .. Be fearless, look ahead and make those damn plans