02 March 2016

Of Grief and Raves

This weekend I went to ULTRA. I went on invitation with a group of friends and have to say I was tentatively excited. I told myself it was not a 'rave' but a music festival.....that way I did not freak myself out. :-)

It was an unforgettable 10 hour experience. I honestly have seldom felt more alive and in my own skin.

Part of me felt guilty.

Part of me felt ashamed that this is what I needed to feel like myself.

Surely I should be 'grieving more appropriately'?

As these thoughts all began crashing into my brain, threatening to suffocate me in the middle of the heaving crowd, the opening bars of  "See You Again" reverberated through the air.

In that moment every single negative emotion vanished. The clarity I experienced was incredible.

Russell knew me better than anyone. He knew my way of dealing with life was often not straight and narrow. He also knew my boundaries were rock solid and that ultimately I did what needed to be done to get through shitty times. He watched me over and over again. Quietly supporting me; never trying to confine me.

In that moment I felt him applauding my journey, smiling at the girl he knew could dance her feet off any night of the week given half the chance.

Grief is not about tears for me. It is not about looking back and wishing things could be same.

It is nothing like I thought it would be. 

Every day I grieve. Every day I grieve differently because grief is a reaction to major loss.

No two days find my reaction the same. 

The implications for me are huge as I never really know where the grief tide is taking me BUT I have finally come to a resting place in my own heart that wherever it does take me - I will be okay. 


Unknown said...

big hugs Chick.....

Lynette Jacobs said...

You go Mel...grief is different for each person...there is no such thing as "a way" of grieving.

Marcelle said...

Am so pleased you had a good time, you need to have good times - so well done on going with the flow.
P.S My sister from Hout Bay went and also loved it.

Wendy Loubser said...

Mel, each post you writes inspires and amazes me and I respect and appreciate you for allowing us little glimpses of your journey and huge, amazing, awe inspiring glimpses of what an amazingly beautiful soul you are.

I'm sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, he'd want you to be happy, excited and enjoying your life, without feeling guilty, to both inspire and guide your beautiful children.

Keep shining - keep sharing <3

Hugs and appreciation