14 March 2016

Unpacking the Months : Part Three

Part One Here
Part Two Here

....So he invited me to go see Goldfish at Shimmy's with his best friends... being the closet clubber that I am I was totally up for the jol. In fact, I Could Not Wait.

Taken at Shimmy - I was still pretty shy and retiring back then.

A few things unfolded in the two weeks prior to Shimmys though...here is the short version.

1. We ended up at the Sevens final together - along with Levi, Rachel and my folks.

2. We spent time along with our kids and some other friends at the beach - the most notable being an afternoon breaking in the SUP board at Kommetjie.

3. He met some of my close friends at a sundowners evening at Noordhoek.

We spent much time talking - mostly being completely ridiculous. We did not regularly compare grief notes. Our relationship has never been based on our mutual losses at all - it is a big deal but it is NOT the pivot around which we turn.

I spent way too much time telling him  how I was completely able to take care of myself  and how I would never, EVER want to be dependent on anyone again - emotionally or otherwise. The pain of enduring loss a second time was simply too much for me to even consider.

He did not seem deterred by my hardarse attitude at all. I pushed him away but he stood firm and slowly I realised he was not going to be easily scared off by me. He made me laugh. Regularly. He also fought with me which was kind of amazing because everyone else felt sorry for me. He did not.

He seemed to be able to tolerate my erratic behaviours; to be able to tell the bullshit from the core - and he didn't judge me or try to fix me or rein me in.

Same t-shirt...same shades but all so different now.
He understood the inner madness that still sometimes drives me to the outer limits of my existence. He had the ability to take me back from the brink and remind me that life is FUN, that my kids need me and that there is still so much to do and live for.

He also regularly reminds me that gratitude is the key to recovery ... although there are/were times I wanted to slap him and just tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME BE MAD.     :-)

Slowly I have begun to come back to life. I did not know when I met him that he trail runs. He only started running, for the first time, in August last year. I don't believe that is coincidence.

The irony rests in the fact that my original search was simply for a trail running partner; I gave up on that and instead I found a partner who trail runs.

I am quite possibly the most conflicted / unconflicted person you will ever meet. This weekend you see photos of me on facebook - radiant and joyful with the man I now love and yet if you had been in the mall this morning you would have found me in a complete tearful mess - mad at God for allowing the other man I love to have suffered and died such a cruel death.

Life is messed up and there is so much I cannot reconcile but God is good.

I choose to believe that.
In spite of everything that has happened.
And because of everything that is happening.


Misty'sMum said...

What a blessing to have someone who truly does understand! Xxx

Lynette Jacobs said...

{{hugs}} and much love ♥

MrsG said...

Its a great post of unfoldingness. I am so happy for all of you and cannot wait to meet him. Xx

MrsG said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tammy said...

Very cool !

ANNE said...

A good man.

ANNE said...

A good man.

Wenchy said...

Smile. Life is for the living.

Wenchy said...

Smile. Life is for the living.

cat said...

I just love to see you laughing again!