25 May 2016

Nine Months





I woke up feeling extremely strange. I felt anxious and outside of my own reality. Stuff was happening around me; I was driving, talking and engaging but I was not present. I was almost in the third person.

I came home and considered taking a tranquliser which is not something I do; all the while trying to nail down WHY I was feeling this way. 

And then my phone rang and as I reached for it I noticed the date.

25 May 2016

And then I realised that my soul knew before my brain did. 

Nine months ago today I was coming home from hospice to tell my children their dad had died. 


Unthinkable. Horrific. The flashback hit me so hard. All of it. All at once.



The sound of Faith's scream when she saw my car pull up.
The image of Levi's crumpled frame on the couch.
The dark look of utter despair in Rachel's eyes as she reached for me.


I felt that I may scream and never stop. So I held my breath. I may even have silently prayed that I didn't lose my mind; that the images would just stop.

Your body knows. The soul tie is a real thing. It is not just a meme.

I did not need the tranquiliser. I understood why I was feeling weird; decided to ride it out, feel it and walk alongside it. 



I called my mom. I went to my favourite places, found quiet spaces. I wrote, I ran. I drank coffee. 

It was a good day.

24 May 2016

The Invitation


Please read this post first if you haven't already. This is almost a 'Part Two' .... nine months later.

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“I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think life should be a nice, clean ascending line. But inevitably something wanders onto the scene and creates havoc with the nice way we've arranged life to fall in place.” 
 
Sue Monk Kidd (When the Heart Waits)



I live my life now with an urgency and a passion that few possess. It has always been in me. It has simply been awakened and stoked. It will never be put out again.

Russell's death was my invitation to life. 

My deepest regret is that it took me losing him to understand what it means to live.

Do not make the same mistake.