25 May 2016

Nine Months





I woke up feeling extremely strange. I felt anxious and outside of my own reality. Stuff was happening around me; I was driving, talking and engaging but I was not present. I was almost in the third person.

I came home and considered taking a tranquliser which is not something I do; all the while trying to nail down WHY I was feeling this way. 

And then my phone rang and as I reached for it I noticed the date.

25 May 2016

And then I realised that my soul knew before my brain did. 

Nine months ago today I was coming home from hospice to tell my children their dad had died. 


Unthinkable. Horrific. The flashback hit me so hard. All of it. All at once.



The sound of Faith's scream when she saw my car pull up.
The image of Levi's crumpled frame on the couch.
The dark look of utter despair in Rachel's eyes as she reached for me.


I felt that I may scream and never stop. So I held my breath. I may even have silently prayed that I didn't lose my mind; that the images would just stop.

Your body knows. The soul tie is a real thing. It is not just a meme.

I did not need the tranquiliser. I understood why I was feeling weird; decided to ride it out, feel it and walk alongside it. 



I called my mom. I went to my favourite places, found quiet spaces. I wrote, I ran. I drank coffee. 

It was a good day.

5 comments:

Lynette Jacobs said...

You are my hero...so strong! I am so honored to know you xx

Cindy Speechly said...

Hi Mel. You have such an amazing gift to be able to translate emotions and thoughts into words when everything around you is falling apart: when the natural response is to run and not feel

I pray that your senses are heightened to the inner calm that only our Father can bring. allow yourself to be carried in the Palm of His hand. Much love
Cindy

Cindy Speechly said...

Hi Mel. You have such an amazing gift to be able to translate emotions and thoughts into words when everything around you is falling apart: when the natural response is to run and not feel

I pray that your senses are heightened to the inner calm that only our Father can bring. allow yourself to be carried in the Palm of His hand. Much love
Cindy

Venita Mills said...

You put it in the absolute correct wording/feelinh where
I can so relate. But you are so strong. Well done. You are amazing.

Wenchy said...

Sending you love x