I woke up feeling extremely strange. I felt anxious and outside of my own reality. Stuff was happening around me; I was driving, talking and engaging but I was not present. I was almost in the third person.
I came home and considered taking a tranquliser which is not something I do; all the while trying to nail down WHY I was feeling this way.
And then my phone rang and as I reached for it I noticed the date.
25 May 2016
And then I realised that my soul knew before my brain did.
Nine months ago today I was coming home from hospice to tell my children their dad had died.
The sound of Faith's scream when she saw my car pull up.
The image of Levi's crumpled frame on the couch.
The dark look of utter despair in Rachel's eyes as she reached for me.
I felt that I may scream and never stop. So I held my breath. I may even have silently prayed that I didn't lose my mind; that the images would just stop.
I did not need the tranquiliser. I understood why I was feeling weird; decided to ride it out, feel it and walk alongside it.
I called my mom. I went to my favourite places, found quiet spaces. I wrote, I ran. I drank coffee.
It was a good day.