15 June 2016
Rachel has always been an exceptional character. She has wisdom and insight beyond her years despite being madly teenager-ish. She has remained steadfast and grounded throughout the last 9 months. Unwaiveringly sure that her dad is simply elsewhere right now, living large and waiting for us to join him. She is content and starry-eyed about her future.
I have seen her biggest adjustment and loss lies in the fact that our once very tightly-knit family is now very loosely bound. Not in the ways you may imagine but simply in that my capacity is far from stellar. I still need VAST quanitities of time alone. We may all be in the same house but I am almost always in my bedroom or study. If not, I am in the kitchen or helping with logisitics.
We don't have family game nights or movie nights. We seldom do things, just the four of us. And therein lies her pain. She is a huge tradition girl and family girl. She is also a 'mommy's girl' - few would know that but she has a very strong attachment to me and she needs me to see and listen to her.
I try. I really do. I try to tick as many of these boxes that I can but ultimately I am still pretty useless. I am getting better though.
She is doing exceptionally well academically. She has started her IGCSE's (2 months ago) and wrote some mock English exams and excelled. This has really lit a fire in her and she is ready to go at her studies hard and fast. Russell always wanted her to take AS levels to finish her schooling and I think we may still be able to achieve this.
She also completed her first piano exam. She has been playing adhoc since a little girl and is very talented but for some reason we never thought to put her through the grade exams. This year she decided she wants to do just that. We await her results but are optimistic of flying colours.
She has finally asked to sing again. She stopped almost immediately when Russ became ill. I havent heard her since then and this truly broke my heart. A few weeks back she came to ask me if I could please arrange vocal lessons again.
Our (my) biggest decision with Rach is whether to send her back to fulltime schooling next year - she has been accepted to a great local high school (which offers an IEB matric) or whether to let her continue part time where she is and complete her Cambridge AS levels there instead. We are both betwixt and between and each week sees us waivering back and forth.
Am trusting for clarity as the year progresses.
At this juncture I am happy that Rach is in a good, stable place but we are both aware that her control/anger issues can flare up at times. Normal. It is okay, however we have agreed that should it become worse as we face future changes she will seek help in managing these feelings.