21 May 2017

Thirteen

Elsies Peak Hike

 Happy days for my fiery fairy who is now a teenager.

Her spark still burns bright and I love watching her grow - some days she wrestles and other days she glides. Whichever way it goes -  all I see is great courage, determination and an attitude of note! [ that part can be challenging!]



Nature loving like her mama
that smile....rare lately but beautiful



sunshine, moongazing, ocean loving



just love

15 May 2017

Mothers Day

Another Mothers Day come and gone.

I still remember last year like it was yesterday. It was horrific.

This year I put so many "plans in place" to try and manage the horror.

I cannot spell it out for you. It would be a complete waste of time. All I can say is take a moment and get your head around kids trying to celebrate their mom for all she is while the other 3 kids mourn afresh the loss of their own mother.

No one knows how to act. No one knows what to say. 
 
I am stuck in the middle. 
 
We tried to navigate in all kinds of creative ways - bringing in extended family and a few more meaningless, grasping attempts.

I will never do Mothers day as a group event ever again. 
Nor will I attempt Fathers day. 
 
It's all a total broken mess.

Bizarrely I am comfortable in the broken mess. My discomfort and rage stems from when others try to 'fix the mess' as it causes them too much discomfort.

This mess is unfixable. And that is okay. 
 
I just need everyone to grow comfortable in this realisation.

Until then I will have to fight tooth and nail to just stay put and not run screaming for the hills; kids and dogs in tow.



Comments

24 April 2017

Kids and Church


Rach asked to go to church today.  I am not a church-goer. I did it for half my life and it never served me in any way least of all getting closer to God. I don't believe being in a church environment was beneficial for me nor for the people around me.

I do, however, believe that it has a place and should my kids wish to go I will be the first to facilitate this.

She went to the teen group and I sat in the service quietly. Ready to just relax and go with the flow. Naive I think. I have never felt relaxed in a church environment - no matter how trendy or hip the church.

Sadly today was (I felt) a very politically motivated sermon. Something about racial interaction; governance and Jesus thrown in for good measure.

I needed to leave the meeting. And I took my (other 2) kids out with me. Church and politics. Really?

The upside is Rach really enjoyed the time at her meeting - she would like to go again.

I will take her and find a meaningful way to spend the 90 minutes while I wait.

The Slide


Today was overwhelmingly difficult. Just getting up felt exhausting.
Last night held some revelations for me that were deeply hurtful. Deeply disconcerting. Late night talks and tears with my middlest had us both laid low in despair.

I spent the better part of the morning talking to a close friend and she helped me find perspective. Thank God for the voice of reason in a season of too much noise.

Add to this emotional burden the fact that an ongoing mysterious ankle injury is keeping me from running. I have rested for weeks, Seen a specialist. Rested some more. Ran 5k last week pain free but since then cannot run even 100m without pain.

I am in that funk. Where every little thing is just too big.

Draw the curtains. Take a bath. Find something mindless on tv.

Tomorrow is another day.

22 April 2017

Just a Moment Ago

It is extremely painful to stumble over photos like these.

My man and my Honey-dog in their favourite place.

I was right there - just a moment ago.

I miss them both terribly.




18 April 2017

April School Hols




 Hallelujah,

It is back to school day. I cannot even tell you (do I need to explain?) how good it feels to have a quiet uncluttered house.

 

Living with 8 other people (actually 10 cos my folks currently live in our flat) is not for the faint of heart. 

As most of you know - I LIKE quiet. And wide open spaces. And did I mention QUIET?



clearly a moment when i was not quite camera ready :-)
These holidays were a great success but by Saturday I had just had enough - I unravelled completely and went off like a stark-raving banshee. 

It was extremely unpleasant; I tried to reason with myself but alas, I was powerless against the tide.

The introvert came out like a demon demanding that everyone sod off and that everything needed to just STOP for a moment. 

I have to say that Kev is very good at creating space for me but even he came under wicked fire --- totally blamed him for my insane state. [that is a completely different post....remind me!]

Our lives are SO BUSY. I hate even saying that word -BUSY. It is like a swear word to me. 
 
I have spent the last many years decluttering my life and trying to find a simple way to live quietly.


Selfies everywhere we go...Vic Bay

Then a nuclear bomb exploded. And I survived. 

I now I have to start all over again with a couple of extra (very loved) moving parts.

It is all very confusing. And annoying at times. Like seriously? 

But we live to tell the tale of our ordinary lives in extraordinary circumstances.




03 April 2017

The Rain Will Come


It's our first blended family holiday.

We are driving down  towards a beautiful sheltered part of the coast - a beach I know well.
I have been there a few times before.

The sun is shining strongly; there is a welcoming blanket of warmth in the air.
Out of nowhere a soft rain begins to fall upon the windscreen of the car.

My chest tightens. My breathing becomes shallower and I immediately turn my face toward my window. The tears are upon me.

This is forever going to be my life.

Bright sunshiny days full of hope and happiness and warmth.

But  the rain will come.

02 April 2017

Letters in an Alphabet

I just need to write.
I cannot think about what I write, who my audience may be or what my title should be.
I have been silenced by grief these last months. Silenced by overwhelming change. Silenced by expectation. Silenced by fear. Silenced by my own loud accusations.
I wanted to chart my journey. 
The journey from utter despair, devastation and trauma back to living, breathing me. I wanted to be able to look back and understand how a normal human being can recover from such horror and learn to live again. I wanted to write it all down but I look back and understand it can not be put into words. Not everything can be broken down to letters in an alphabet and a profound quote.
I look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the same self. A different self. I look back and wonder how the fuck I made it this far. I almost congratulate myself but then the guilt will begin its’ pervasive seep through my soul.
I look again and see the wretch I am and wonder how I can face myself each day. How I can simply cast aside all that was and move so swiftly into all that is.
And as I stare more deeply at my reflection I see what it has cost me.
And I walk away to face another day.

12 January 2017

The Line in The Sand




It has come to the end.

The FiveTribe blog.

I cannot write here any longer.
I cannot write anything that does not reflect back on the tragedy of our lives.

I have come to this space so many times in the last few months to try and continue our journey, in writing, on this blog.

I. Just. Cannot.

Five-Tribe was then. And now I have to move on and figure out the now. I need to find a new space that does not home so many memories; both so very good and so very painful.

I did not expect it to be so difficult to say goodbye To A Blog.
Just another facet of loss which is so much bigger than the obvious.

Thank you to so many of you for reading, supporting and engaging with me over the years.





11 January 2017

#2017

I don't quite know how I got here.

Time simply carries you whether you are a willing passenger or not.

The kids went back to school today. After five weeks of holidays. 
It was a very challenging time and I broke down pretty regularly. 

I find this all very, very difficult.  But then again I tend to find everything difficult, which is such a pain in the ass. I used to cruise through life with momentary lapses of introspection but now I almost feel like I live there. It's revoltingly exhausting. 

My morning found me dropping the kids at school...Levi now in Gr 5 and Rach in Gr 10. Faith and I, smug in our solitude, went off to the gym to start the day on the front foot.

Much of my morning was spent catching up with Mom on the patio, a little weeding and a little waxing ..... then a meeting with my first client who wants a complete branding overhaul. A significant amount of work to be done but I am in need of a new challenge and this looks like a great job to cut my teeth on.

I have registered for online (live!) web classes that start on 6 Feb to upgrade my current social media skill set - somewhat daunting but necessary.

The afternoon was spent doing the school run, covering books, dinner shopping and finally taking a very sick kitten to the vet....biliary!!! Rather shocking but am truly grateful that Faith noticed that little Luna LoveGood was just not herself.

Home to make supper for the very hungry, tired people in the house and finally, yet another trip back to the gym with 4 of the older kids for a short, sharp run and strength workout.

A very full first day of routine. Am ready for my bed and an episode of Homeland...and possibly even Weeds if I can stay awake that long.