24 April 2017

Kids and Church


Rach asked to go to church today.  I am not a church-goer. I did it for half my life and it never served me in any way least of all getting closer to God. I don't believe being in a church environment was beneficial for me nor for the people around me.

I do, however, believe that it has a place and should my kids wish to go I will be the first to facilitate this.

She went to the teen group and I sat in the service quietly. Ready to just relax and go with the flow. Naive I think. I have never felt relaxed in a church environment - no matter how trendy or hip the church.

Sadly today was (I felt) a very politically motivated sermon. Something about racial interaction; governance and Jesus thrown in for good measure.

I needed to leave the meeting. And I took my (other 2) kids out with me. Church and politics. Really?

The upside is Rach really enjoyed the time at her meeting - she would like to go again.

I will take her and find a meaningful way to spend the 90 minutes while I wait.

The Slide


Today was overwhelmingly difficult. Just getting up felt exhausting.
Last night held some revelations for me that were deeply hurtful. Deeply disconcerting. Late night talks and tears with my middlest had us both laid low in despair.

I spent the better part of the morning talking to a close friend and she helped me find perspective. Thank God for the voice of reason in a season of too much noise.

Add to this emotional burden the fact that an ongoing mysterious ankle injury is keeping me from running. I have rested for weeks, Seen a specialist. Rested some more. Ran 5k last week pain free but since then cannot run even 100m without pain.

I am in that funk. Where every little thing is just too big.

Draw the curtains. Take a bath. Find something mindless on tv.

Tomorrow is another day.

22 April 2017

Just a Moment Ago

It is extremely painful to stumble over photos like these.

My man and my Honey-dog in their favourite place.

I was right there - just a moment ago.

I miss them both terribly.




18 April 2017

April School Hols




 Hallelujah,

It is back to school day. I cannot even tell you (do I need to explain?) how good it feels to have a quiet uncluttered house.

 

Living with 8 other people (actually 10 cos my folks currently live in our flat) is not for the faint of heart. 

As most of you know - I LIKE quiet. And wide open spaces. And did I mention QUIET?



clearly a moment when i was not quite camera ready :-)
These holidays were a great success but by Saturday I had just had enough - I unravelled completely and went off like a stark-raving banshee. 

It was extremely unpleasant; I tried to reason with myself but alas, I was powerless against the tide.

The introvert came out like a demon demanding that everyone sod off and that everything needed to just STOP for a moment. 

I have to say that Kev is very good at creating space for me but even he came under wicked fire --- totally blamed him for my insane state. [that is a completely different post....remind me!]

Our lives are SO BUSY. I hate even saying that word -BUSY. It is like a swear word to me. 
 
I have spent the last many years decluttering my life and trying to find a simple way to live quietly.


Selfies everywhere we go...Vic Bay

Then a nuclear bomb exploded. And I survived. 

I now I have to start all over again with a couple of extra (very loved) moving parts.

It is all very confusing. And annoying at times. Like seriously? 

But we live to tell the tale of our ordinary lives in extraordinary circumstances.




03 April 2017

The Rain Will Come


It's our first blended family holiday.

We are driving down  towards a beautiful sheltered part of the coast - a beach I know well.
I have been there a few times before.

The sun is shining strongly; there is a welcoming blanket of warmth in the air.
Out of nowhere a soft rain begins to fall upon the windscreen of the car.

My chest tightens. My breathing becomes shallower and I immediately turn my face toward my window. The tears are upon me.

This is forever going to be my life.

Bright sunshiny days full of hope and happiness and warmth.

But  the rain will come.

02 April 2017

Letters in an Alphabet

I just need to write.
I cannot think about what I write, who my audience may be or what my title should be.
I have been silenced by grief these last months. Silenced by overwhelming change. Silenced by expectation. Silenced by fear. Silenced by my own loud accusations.
I wanted to chart my journey. 
The journey from utter despair, devastation and trauma back to living, breathing me. I wanted to be able to look back and understand how a normal human being can recover from such horror and learn to live again. I wanted to write it all down but I look back and understand it can not be put into words. Not everything can be broken down to letters in an alphabet and a profound quote.
I look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the same self. A different self. I look back and wonder how the fuck I made it this far. I almost congratulate myself but then the guilt will begin its’ pervasive seep through my soul.
I look again and see the wretch I am and wonder how I can face myself each day. How I can simply cast aside all that was and move so swiftly into all that is.
And as I stare more deeply at my reflection I see what it has cost me.
And I walk away to face another day.