FIVETRIBE

Waking up sucks so bad but at least I had a massage booked for 9am. My body is wracked with pain and that really is not cool when your heart is messed up too. I cried my way through the massage. Thankfully my therapist is a very good friend and she just creates a safe space for me to come undone. My weekly massages may well be the key to a slow, gentle re-entry into my new life. Aware that my day was going to hold many administrative challenges I decided to swallow my pride….and a tranquilizer ….. to get me through the horrors of red tape, long queues and 0860 phone calls. Phone calls that have me telling my sad story to people who don't actually care but have to tell you how sorry they are. And I have to be nice and say thank you for telling me how sorry you are. Going out is still uber tough for me. It literally feels like I am walking around without skin on my body. I feel utterly raw, exposed and completely vulnerable. Simple things like noise, wind, voices or a stranger...

  People have been telling me for months how brave and amazing I am. This has never sat well with me. My retort was, without fail : ' I don't have a choice!' I have come to believe that I was wrong about that statement. I did, I do have a choice. Each and every day I have a choice in how I approach what has unfolded in our lives. I was running with a friend a couple of days ago and she was so upset by our circumstances and just venting about how messed up it all is. I agree. It is bloody messed up but in that moment I knew that I had to find meaning in all of this suffering. The alternative is not an option. I have begun to read and research (as I do....!) the enigma that is grief, suffering and loss. The more I read the more I KNOW that there is a way to grow through this and not live in a place of bitterness and pain. “I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think l...

I took the kids to the mall this morning. This is akin to me running a half marathon. This simple act requires determination and a fitness of mind that defies description. I took time deliberately to get dressed properly - each moment carefully and purposefully executed. 1. find your jeans Mel. find jeans that actually fit properly. 2. find a shirt, feel the fabric, tell yourself what that fabric feels like. breathe 3. shoes. you need shoes. not any shoes. find cool shoes. like your converse. 4. brush your hair. brush your teeth. at least attempt to fix your face and hide the dark circles. 5. breathe. 6. dont cry. 7. you CAN do this. 8. YOU CAN DO THIS. I took the kids to breakfast at the Mugg and Bean. A simple act that almost had me completely undone as I noticed that we now fitted a standard table for four. No more dragging an extra chair. That. THAT is now my life. Moments that completely explode before me without any warning. Moments that have the potential to destr...