FIVETRIBE

My alarm went off at 7am this morning. Same as every Saturday for the last 6 weeks. The difference today is I actually pulled myself up and out of bed whereas all previous weeks I have stabbed the 'dismiss' button with revulsion. The difference today? ACCOUNTABILITY. Something I have managed to studiously avoid my entire life and even more so the last few months. Today I knew I was ready for the challenge. I have been desparate to run but emotionally it has been utterly devastating for me each time I laced up. Each footfall took me back to races, landscapes, mountains and trails that Russell and I had disovered together. He always kept me warm on those freezing start lines!  It felt utterly wrong to be running without him; my breathing would choke me up and I always ended up walking with tears behind my big dark glasses.  He was my running mentor, encourager and he was SO proud of me. My 10k PB was set on Chappies Challenge thanks to ...

Another week has passed. This one has been more tenable than last week. It has held some highly amusing moments; widowhood definitely has a funny side occasionally.  I even took the kids out for spur of the moment supper last night and it did not overwhelm me. We had a great evening and I ate a good steak! Hopefully it will provide much needed fuel for my first Parkrun in months tomorrow. I have help at the house this week - much of the woodwork (doors and windows) were in grave need of repair and restoration. It feels good to start getting on top of things and to feel like my house may feel like a home again in the near future. To this end I also started clearing the schoolbook cupboard. I am tossing all old homeschooling content as my kids are starting a completely different curriculum next year. I am pairing down to the bare minimum in an effort to keep things clean, simple and uncluttered. This weekend seems set to include more DIY-ing, springcleaning, running and...

I wish the 25th of each month simply meant payday to me. Instead it reminds me that I need to take a deep breath. And then another. And another. The day started badly. All of us were cranky and unhappy. Steve texted with the idea to climb Table Mountain and I laughed hysterically. In the past this would have lit me up like a bonfire but these days just getting out the house is a miraculous experience. Instead we settled on a trip to Dias Beach in Cape Point. This idea was not met with much enthusiasm from my crew. (Rach was working at TEARS for the day) Levi and Faith came along with heavy hearts and grim attitudes. Once again I found myself trying to carry everyone's emotions. It's getting old. I want to be selfish and just deal with my own shit. My own pain. MY loss.  I want to not have to think about ANYONE else for even one day. Sadly parenthood affords none of us such luxury; not even in my unenviable position. I am happy to...

24 years since we met. 23 years married. 60 days since he went ahead of me. Time.  So finite yet we live like we have infinity within our worldly grasp.   I celebrated our life together by doing exactly what I knew we would be doing if he were right here with me.  Levi and I went to Cafe Roux with fellow rugby junkies and watched our boys give the AB's a cracker of a game.  Bittersweet. My heart ached in a way words will never convey.   The trouble is....you think you have time.   -Buddha-

Faith and I have both been wrestling lately. She no longer wants to dance. I no longer want to run. These things that used to bring us so much joy and peace now seem like insurmountable, meaningless tasks. Together we are making a plan. While she dances - I run. Sometimes neither of us can do it and instead we lie on our beds and watch series. Or stare into space. But we have a plan and we are doing our best.

   I really wanted to blog more often. I wanted to one day look back and see how I made it through the most heartbreaking time of my life. What did I do each day? How did I manage? Truth is I have not been able to blog. I have written perhaps 4 journal entries. I could not even tell you how I have made it through the last 56 days. In a nutshell it would probably look something like this: 1. The kids. Conversations with my children have often left me speechless. Their wisdom defies their years and I am so utterly grateful to have them in my life. (when discussing times that may be hard in the future) Rachel: Mom, I have never been married so I have never had a dad walk me down the aisle. I have many great men in the family who can do that for me. Levi: Dad taught you how to drive, Mom. So when you teach me it is actually still Dad teaching me. Levi: We may never be as happy as we could have been but that does not mean we cant ever be happy. 2. ...