FIVETRIBE

Yesterday was horrific. Russ refused to eat, drink, get out of bed or communicate.  I cried most of the day. This morning as I turned over in our bed, my heart in my throat, I found him awake and alert. I could sense today was not going to be an ordinary day. I was right. 'Babe I am so sorry about yesterday. I just checked out.  I may be sinking into depression. I am just so tired. I don't know if I can do this. I am so sorry.' Instant tears leapt from my eyes as I saw my once strong man, now bedridden, crumble in agony at his admission. I took his hand, reminded him of our conversation three months ago, where we agreed that when he felt his fight was over that it would be OKAY. The assurance fell from my lips as I promised that, until his last breath, I would fight on his behalf. The rest of us will fight but he does not have to live up to our expectations. He can rest in the freedom of knowing others have got his back. He reached across and ...

It has been four months. Four months of unabated hardship.  (woe is me) There have been silver linings; moments of sweetness but only because we have truly sought them. If I look back, in wordly terms, we have had a pretty kak time. At every turn worst case scenario has bitten us.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a doctor say these words in the last few months; in a variety of contexts : "Unfortunately this can happen, it's unusual but it can happen. I am so sorry." I have long ago given up asking the infuriating WHY question. All this did was make me angry, bitter, confused and ultimately completely unsatisfied. I have simply had to settle for the HOW. How do I get up today? How do I make it through this hour?  How do I know if this pain will ever stop? How do I make sure I survive and am enough to take care of the emotional needs of my kids? How do I tackle the horrors of admin, banks, lawyers, home affairs and SARS in the face...

God and I have always had an issue with the concept of trust. I am not secure that His plans are better than mine. The latest turn of events have pretty much made my case. Russ and I have plans. We have amazing, long-held plans that were about to be executed in June. We have worked towards this goal for many years. We were waiting for Levi to be 9.  We are poised; the kids all happily home-schooled. Russ with plenty of contract work available overseas. Many other little things all PERFECTLY lined up for our PERFECT plan to work/travel for 2 years abroad and show our kids the world. And then everything in our world just went bat-shit crazy. What kind of a God thinks this plan is superior to ours? Particularly a God that claims to love us and to be able to FIX stuff like this in a heartbeat? Bloody hell, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I have 30 years of history with Jesus. I know that even as I type this He is still in control. I know that I can tr...

Chased by grace. That phrase found me early in this messy journey. Frankly the last few weeks have felt utterly graceless. I have felt abandoned, betrayed and pissed off but that will have to be a story for another day. Instead I will write about today. Russell is pretty much bedridden, although, with some help, he can do the basics. He sleeps most of the day. Apart from that he chills in bed and occasionally parks off in a chair in our room. We chat when he is up to it. We don't stare longingly into each others eyes, sobbing over our situation. We tend to shoot the breeze and we laugh over dumb things. He doesn't read or watch tv. Going downstairs is a chore and it's way too noisy and chaotic. I share this randomness with you so you can understand the following conversation I had with him today. (bear in mind I haven't been anywhere with my kids in weeks) Me: Babe, I am going to take the kids out to lunch okay? My mom is here if you need her.   Him : Wai...

en.wikipedia.org /wiki/ Two-fer Two-fer ( twofer, two fer , 2- fer , etc.) is short for "two for one." It can refer to: Buy one, get one free, a discount sales promotion offering two items for the price ... Today can only be described as a 'twofer'. Russ has had a very rough week but yesterday saw him far more clear-headed and able to eat. He managed to take a short walk into the garden and made a few business calls. Great. Really good. We had every confidence that this morning he would be even stronger. Today we faced a long car ride to Plattekloof to see Dr Spies for a 2 hour intensive assessment. The ride was uneventful; no traffic and Russ felt fine. The appointment was inspiring, educational - everything we could have hoped for short of 'the magic bullet'. The journey home was not good. Russ became increasingly nauseous and uncomfortable. I had to pull over and the unfolding events were traumatic and left us both panicked and fearful. Thankf...

Things became very messy on a recent car trip. Or just very real. The kids and I were on our way to the hospital to see Russell last week. There was some Christian cd playing and the lyrics (that normally are so encouraging and faith-building) just set my brain on FIRE. And not in a good way. I turned the music off and began a rant of note at God. Seriously, He and I had words. Serious words. No holding back from my side whatsoever. Tired, I was. Tired of all the platitudes and endless songs full of hope, joy, mercy and unfailing love. My three kids sat in stunned silence. I turned the music back on and carried on driving. Within seconds I was compelled to turn it off once again. 'Any of you kids have anything you would like to say to God right about now?' *silence* 'You sure? He knows what you're thinking anyway.' *shaking of heads* 'Okay' I reach to turn the music back on. 'Wait! I have something to stay to Him!' 'Sure, b...

So many have asked me this question.  I don't have the answer. Examining my feelings is really not helpful to me at all. I just allow them to happen to me which means I cry in public places nowadays. This is not a 'ra-ra' victory post about how everything happens for a reason....or about how this is such a growth experience for us.... or any of those (possibly true) pontifications. Millions of people are in my position. I am not alone or unique in my pain but somehow that fails to comfort me in any way whatsoever. Faith summed it up recently: 'It is like my heart opened one day and all the light, love and joy walked out and now it is full of pain, darkness and despair.' I have to agree....I liken it to a slow bleed. I can only pray that it stops before it completely destroys me. This will eventually end and perhaps I will find joy and happiness again one day but until then I have to work extremely hard to cultivate those moments and even harder to keep f...