FIVETRIBE

This came up on my timeline this morning. I read it and it resonated with me. It made me smile but only for a split second.  But then I remember. Almost a year ago to the day...I woke up to run Two Oceans and Russ was supposed to run with me. Everything was good . Except he was still feeling a bit nauseous and I suggested he not run this year. He agreed and graciously made me coffee and taxi-ed myself and my friends to the start line. He drove away with a farway look in his eyes - typical runner FOMO - pissed off that we could not do it together.  Next year we said. Five days later we got the diagnosis. Five months later he was gone.  I fight a silent battle. I have seen how quickly something amazing can fall apart. I have felt pain like I never believed possible. I have fought like a freaking beast to survive and (by the grace of God) even thrive.  I am so afraid to be happy. I am afraid to look ahead and make plans.  It scares the living s...

Part One Here Part Two Here ....So he invited me to go see Goldfish at Shimmy's with his best friends... being the closet clubber that I am I was totally up for the jol. In fact, I Could Not Wait. Taken at Shimmy - I was still pretty shy and retiring back then. A few things unfolded in the two weeks prior to Shimmys though...here is the short version. 1. We ended up at the Sevens final together - along with Levi, Rachel and my folks. 2. We spent time along with our kids and some other friends at the beach - the most notable being an afternoon breaking in the SUP board at Kommetjie. 3. He met some of my close friends at a sundowners evening at Noordhoek. We spent much time talking - mostly being completely ridiculous. We did not regularly compare grief notes. Our relationship has never been based on our mutual losses at all - it is a big deal but it is NOT the pivot around which we turn. I spent way too much time telling him  how I was completely able to tak...

Russell believed I was amazing.  And he would often tell me so.  I used to look at him in disbelief because he knew me SO well and despite  that fact still thought I was this incredible human being.  I remember looking him squarely in the eye and telling him : The only reason I am who I am is because you love me unconditionally. Because we are a team. You give me the courage and confidence to be exactly who I am at any stage of my life. When he left this world the impact on me was so utterly devastating. It was as if someone had taken my roots and pulled them out. I felt lost, vulnerable and completely alone - like a toddler lost in a shopping mall. I was a shadow of myself. His love for me; mine for him - that was my anchor and safe place. The space from which I could safely launch myself into the world. I will never take anyone I love for granted again. It can happen so easily, so surreptiously.  Take stock of those aro...

Tuesday started pretty damn well. A drive to beautiful Kommetjie first thing in the morning, 3 cups of coffee along with lots of laughs with a very special friend. Later I arrived home to find a builder mate of mine waiting to give me some input on changes that need to be made to my home.  He offered plenty of advice for me on how to go forward with some of the plans I have in mind and we engaged in some healthy trail and boxing banter (he's a runner too). I was feeling normal. Like myself. And quite chipper actually. I pottered back inside, found the kids all working quietly and doing their thing. I wandered into the kitchen and before I knew what was happening I had begun to unpack some of the storage cupboards. One thing led to another and suddenly I was overwhelmed by piles of stuff. His stuff. His office space.  This happens. I feel good and able to meander through the day. I attempt to tackle the hit-list that is my home.....and time after time I ...

This weekend I went to ULTRA . I went on invitation with a group of friends and have to say I was tentatively excited. I told myself it was not a 'rave' but a music festival.....that way I did not freak myself out. :-) It was an unforgettable 10 hour experience. I honestly have seldom felt more alive and in my own skin. Part of me felt guilty. Part of me felt ashamed that this is what I needed to feel like myself. Surely I should be 'grieving more appropriately' ? As these thoughts all began crashing into my brain, threatening to suffocate me in the middle of the heaving crowd, the opening bars of   "See You Again" reverberated through the air. In that moment every single negative emotion vanished. The clarity I experienced was incredible. Russell knew me better than anyone. He knew my way of dealing with life was often not straight and narrow. He also knew my boundaries were rock solid and that ultimately I did what needed to be done to ...

It is six months since I was left alone out here to deal with life. It's super shitty. I realise I am incredibly angry. Which makes me feel guilty. I am also tired. I don't sleep anymore.  This doesn't mean I am not happy in many aspects of my life but the fact remains that I am not okay.  The biggest problem is that I often feel okay ...which means I look okay and then suddenly I am totally not okay. It dangerous and confusing; even to me.  The fallout is huge for the people closest to me. I swing wildly from massive guilt to f*** everybody rage mode and it is exhausting. The lack of control over my own life is debilitating. I know I have to ride this out. I know it is normal but it is overwhelming to say the least. Tomorrow I head up the coast to spend 24hrs with some mates; no kids, no responsibilities.  I am so ready to just forget the world for a couple of hours and hopefully head into March with a little more confidence a...

(Find Part One here) It took some time but I finally relented. I had nothing to lose. The email was written and sent. He facebooked messaged me the same day and we connected on whatsapp on 21 November. By this time I had regrouped  and was actively going out and living large. I was pushing new boundaries in my own independence and seeking out experiences that would definitely have scared me in a former life. I wasn't really in the 'needy' stage anymore - I kinda felt like I had started getting my shit together. Then I wrote this blogpost the day before my birthday. I will never forget this day as long as I live. It was brutal. He texted me  after reading my post, I knew he really GOT IT.  Of course he did....he had been exactly in the space I found myself right that moment. We chatted that night - briefly - around our grief experiences. Another week or so passed; we began chatting more frequently on whatsapp. Like every day . Slowly we became more acquai...