FIVETRIBE

I woke up feeling extremely strange. I felt anxious and outside of my own reality. Stuff was happening around me; I was driving, talking and engaging but I was not present. I was almost in the third person. I came home and considered taking a tranquliser which is not something I do; all the while trying to nail down WHY I was feeling this way.  And then my phone rang and as I reached for it I noticed the date. 25 May 2016 And then I realised that my soul knew before my brain did.  Nine months ago today I was coming home from hospice to tell my children their dad had died.  Unthinkable. Horrific. The flashback hit me so hard. All of it. All at once. The sound of Faith's scream when she saw my car pull up. The image of Levi's crumpled frame on the couch. The dark look of utter despair in Rachel's eyes as she reached for me. I felt that I may scream and never stop. So I held my breath. I may even have silently prayed that I didn't los...

Please read this post first if you haven't already. This is almost a 'Part Two' .... nine months later. *********************************************************** “I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think life should be a nice, clean ascending line. But inevitably something wanders onto the scene and creates havoc with the nice way we've arranged life to fall in place.”    Sue Monk Kidd (When the Heart Waits) I live my life now with an urgency and a passion that few possess. It has always been in me. It has simply been awakened and stoked. It will never be put out again. Russell's death was my invitation to life.  My deepest regret is that it took me losing him to understand what it means to live. Do not make the same mistake.

Forever does not seem too far away. Sometimes it is after we lose someone when we learn  to love. Where hope, and dreams greet, and everything is perfect the way it was meant to be. So hear me, soon enough we will meet again I will carry your soul in my heart. The same heart you  helped me build. RM DRAKE

This weekend saw me running the Jonkershoek Mountain Challenge. Yes, another trail run but this race was different from all the rest. Obviously it is the longest and most challenging run I have ever completed but, from the day I signed up, I knew this race was going to be far more than the obvious. There were many obstacles thrown up the week before race-day. Kevin picked up a knee injury,  I picked up an infection and on the night before the race unusual circumstances had me awake and upset until well after midnight....then to top it off, I woke up on race morning with swollen glands and a fiery throat. Ridiculous opposition which simply made me more determined. We were going to run. Period. Kevin taped his knee, we took copious quantities of varying (legal)  drugs and Sunday morning found us on the road to Stellenbosch at 0630. The race was brutal, gruelling and painful at times. It was also magical, awe-inspiring and breathtaking. The uphill climb was un...

Easter weekend I hit wobble. In the midst of so much joy the darkness found a crack and slithered in regardless. My 'flight mode' kicked in and I took off, unannounced, into the Mcgregor mountains with little regard for anyone else's feelings or concerns. Part of me knew it was wrong. That same part didn't care. I took flack for it. My family and those closest to me shat me out. I defended myself; knowing full well they would never understand the gravity and relentless compulsion that causes me to flee on these rare occasions. I resisted the urge to SCREAM and tell them to be grateful that I fucking well came back at all. Yes. I still swear. Yes. I am still angry. I recently had coffee with someone who has walked my road and is a kickass friend who helps me unravel my shit. She gets it. I am so grateful to be able to go and bleed over a cup of coffee with her....and walk out lighter. It saves me. And it saves many who love me ---- that they dont have to witne...

This came up on my timeline this morning. I read it and it resonated with me. It made me smile but only for a split second.  But then I remember. Almost a year ago to the day...I woke up to run Two Oceans and Russ was supposed to run with me. Everything was good . Except he was still feeling a bit nauseous and I suggested he not run this year. He agreed and graciously made me coffee and taxi-ed myself and my friends to the start line. He drove away with a farway look in his eyes - typical runner FOMO - pissed off that we could not do it together.  Next year we said. Five days later we got the diagnosis. Five months later he was gone.  I fight a silent battle. I have seen how quickly something amazing can fall apart. I have felt pain like I never believed possible. I have fought like a freaking beast to survive and (by the grace of God) even thrive.  I am so afraid to be happy. I am afraid to look ahead and make plans.  It scares the living s...

Part One Here Part Two Here ....So he invited me to go see Goldfish at Shimmy's with his best friends... being the closet clubber that I am I was totally up for the jol. In fact, I Could Not Wait. Taken at Shimmy - I was still pretty shy and retiring back then. A few things unfolded in the two weeks prior to Shimmys though...here is the short version. 1. We ended up at the Sevens final together - along with Levi, Rachel and my folks. 2. We spent time along with our kids and some other friends at the beach - the most notable being an afternoon breaking in the SUP board at Kommetjie. 3. He met some of my close friends at a sundowners evening at Noordhoek. We spent much time talking - mostly being completely ridiculous. We did not regularly compare grief notes. Our relationship has never been based on our mutual losses at all - it is a big deal but it is NOT the pivot around which we turn. I spent way too much time telling him  how I was completely able to tak...