FIVETRIBE

Our first full day in beautiful Lux. It still feels quite dreamlike to have flown halfway across the world and to now be sitting in Lisa's lounge. We took it very easy today. Our 26 hour transit was taxing and today needed to be anything but! We all slept late and enjoyed a lazy morn punctuated by breakfast and many cups of tea. Around midday we took the dogs for a walk in the forest. This forest has been showing up on facebook for many years - all over Lisa's feed and I have had it firmly on my to-do list. It is simply remarkable and indescribable. I am recovering from a cold so wont be running those paths for a few days but happy to walk them (did almost 7k today!) and learn my way around until I can lace up and head out. This arvie found us all back on our beds with our books / laptops. Perfection! Tomorrow we will head out to the city for our first Luxembourg Tourist experience.

My beautiful, strong firstborn is sixteen. I hate that every milestone is now tainted with sadness. I hate that I cant just celebrate wildly without a permanent sense of deep sorrow and loss. Her birthday this year had me broken. I tried so hard to keep it together. I took her to the Mugg and Bean, We sat and chatted ---all the while in my head I was self-talking "just keep breathing Mel, don't let her see your pain, it's her special day,  please please don't lose your mind " I really tried. E ventually I knew I would not be able to keep my shit together. I thought I may start screaming like a crazy, insane person. That would not be good. I needed desparately to get out of public. LIKE IMMEDIATELY. I sent an emergency text and was collected and driven home. All the while I kept my composure - I did tell Rach the mild version of what I was experiencing --- and as always she was supportive and understanding. I struggle with guilt. I dont think she ...

Elsies Peak Hike  Happy days for my fiery fairy who is now a teenager. Her spark still burns bright and I love watching her grow - some days she wrestles and other days she glides. Whichever way it goes -  all I see is great courage, determination and an attitude of note! [ that part can be challenging!] Nature loving like her mama that smile....rare lately but beautiful sunshine, moongazing, ocean loving just love

Another Mothers Day come and gone. I still remember last year like it was yesterday. It was horrific. This year I put so many "plans in place" to try and manage the horror. I cannot spell it out for you. It would be a complete waste of time. All I can say is take a moment and get your head around kids trying to celebrate their mom for all she is while the other 3 kids mourn afresh the loss of their own mother. No one knows how to act. No one knows what to say.    I am stuck in the middle.    We tried to navigate in all kinds of creative ways - bringing in extended family and a few more meaningless, grasping attempts. I will never do Mothers day as a group event ever again.  Nor will I attempt Fathers day.    It's all a total broken mess. Bizarrely I am comfortable in the broken mess. My discomfort and rage stems from when others try to 'fix the mess' as it causes them too much discomfort. This mess is unfixable. And t...

Rach asked to go to church today.  I am not a church-goer. I did it for half my life and it never served me in any way least of all getting closer to God. I don't believe being in a church environment was beneficial for me nor for the people around me. I do, however, believe that it has a place and should my kids wish to go I will be the first to facilitate this. She went to the teen group and I sat in the service quietly. Ready to just relax and go with the flow. Naive I think. I have never felt relaxed in a church environment - no matter how trendy or hip the church. Sadly today was (I felt) a very politically motivated sermon. Something about racial interaction; governance and Jesus thrown in for good measure. I needed to leave the meeting. And I took my (other 2) kids out with me. Church and politics. Really? The upside is Rach really enjoyed the time at her meeting - she would like to go again. I will take her and find a meaningful way to spend the 90 minu...

Today was overwhelmingly difficult. Just getting up felt exhausting. Last night held some revelations for me that were deeply hurtful. Deeply disconcerting. Late night talks and tears with my middlest had us both laid low in despair. I spent the better part of the morning talking to a close friend and she helped me find perspective. Thank God for the voice of reason in a season of too much noise. Add to this emotional burden the fact that an ongoing mysterious ankle injury is keeping me from running. I have rested for weeks, Seen a specialist. Rested some more. Ran 5k last week pain free but since then cannot run even 100m without pain. I am in that funk. Where every little thing is just too big. Draw the curtains. Take a bath. Find something mindless on tv. Tomorrow is another day.

It is extremely painful to stumble over photos like these. My man and my Honey-dog in their favourite place. I was right there - just a moment ago. I miss them both terribly.