Letters in an Alphabet

I just need to write.

I cannot think about what I write, who my audience may be or what my title should be.

I have been silenced by grief these last months. Silenced by overwhelming change. Silenced by expectation. Silenced by fear. Silenced by my own loud accusations.

I wanted to chart my journey. 

The journey from utter despair, devastation and trauma back to living, breathing me. I wanted to be able to look back and understand how a normal human being can recover from such horror and learn to live again. I wanted to write it all down but I look back and understand it can not be put into words. Not everything can be broken down to letters in an alphabet and a profound quote.

I look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the same self. A different self. I look back and wonder how the fuck I made it this far. I almost congratulate myself but then the guilt will begin its’ pervasive seep through my soul.

I look again and see the wretch I am and wonder how I can face myself each day. How I can simply cast aside all that was and move so swiftly into all that is.

And as I stare more deeply at my reflection I see what it has cost me.

And I walk away to face another day.