Dear Russ

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 Dear Russ

My last letter to you was 2 years ago. Dear God, so much has changed. Maybe you've seen it all or maybe not - one of those dastardly questions that swirl around my head. 

At this 5 year milestone of your exit I can only look back and wonder how I arrived at where I am in one piece. The catastrophic loss of your presence is embedded in my soul and yet, miraculously, I am able to continue to live, breathe and enjoy life in a way that astonishes me. 

You and I know it is a God-Thing; which is why I battle with anyone giving me credit. 

I wish we could sit down and talk about the spiritual complexities of what I have learnt on this insane journey. By the way I HATE the word 'journey' FFS.  Makes it sound like a bloody aspirational experience.

The kids are good. I would not have been able to say that 2 months ago .... thank God I can assure you that a significant hurdle has recently been navigated and I can again breath easily. There have been really dark days where I have wished you were here to help traverse this kid thing but at the same time I am grateful you are spared the roller-coaster. 

Did I mention the global pandemic? Ja. That is actually a thing. You thought it would be war over water (that was 3 years ago btw!) but no; it is some virus that is messing with peoples immune system. You would be very surprised to know that I am not cowering in fear and hiding...although I did in the beginning.... until I remembered that ultimately life is for living. We cannot hide from death so I am continuing to be until I cease to be. 

I have also been gainfully employed for almost an entire year. Working in a field that completely aligns with my values and beliefs. My role as a parent is respected and supported before my role as an employee. My employer gives me huge space to learn, grow, fail and try again. I am challenged and truly love what I do. 

I am a very different person on my own. I'm not sure I recognise who I was before, but you loved her so she could not have been all bad. ;-) I do look back and feel she was way too dependent, self-involved and arrogant for her own good. Nothing like being stripped back to zero to show you who you really are. 

I finally feel like the woman Kerry Southey said I would be....I know you remember the words! 

Love always, 



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