Hello 2020

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 My poor neglected blog. I am here to resurrect and continue to journey that I started in 2006. What a 14 years it has been! I have been reading the volumes of entries I have captured and what a treasure they are.

My kids are now adults. Well, not really, they still need LOTS of my money which is a little terrifying - I used to think little kids were costly. I WAS SO DAMN WRONG.

Levi is in Gr 8 at WBHS, a  massive adjustment for him but he is thriving. Their first rugby tour happens in 3 weeks time - during school holidays which is annoying in terms of family time but without doubt the highlight of his year! 






 Rach is 1st year at Varsity College and working towards getting her licence - a little car has been purchased ... ready and waiting for her to walk into new independence. It is time. Today she also celebrates her 1yr anniversary with her person. The young man has stolen her heart and crept into the hearts of the whole family. 

Faith had a very difficult 2019 - it was a year we are still working at putting behind us but she has come out the other side a confident, mostly happy kid. Grade 10 is better as she now can pursue art and history - two of her favourite things. 


My kids are busy. They have very active social lives. Sports lives. School/varsity lives. My main function at this time is to 'feed and ferry' . I do enjoy the very rare occasion we are all together - just the 4 of us - with zero time constraints or pressures. When it actually happens I am sure to make a mental note of the moment.
I am full-time employed and salaried now. My dream job landed in my lap 6 months ago. One of those things that I still look at and am awed at how it has all evolved. I work from home with the flexibility to uber-mom my kids when necessary. This means that much of my work is done early mornings and often into the evening but I am not complaining. My boss travels and is mostly out of the country and offers me autonomy and huge opportunities to learn new skills and be involved in decisions regarding his business. I could not be happier.

 I am not running as much as I would like to as between driving many kilometres every day and working there is not always the time; however I am still working on that perfect balance. I do still make the time to at least get into Silvermine regularly to walk my dogs.

 I realise I am incredibly fortunate. I am happy; my kids are thriving, many would say I have moved forward and onward with my life in pretty good style. It has been 4.5years and I would say I have moved in my own direction but it doesn't  feel forward at all. It feels kind of parallel.

 I feel like forward is a myth that implies distance from what I left behind. Nothing has been left behind. I carry him with me daily - I grieve a love lost and a life I never had the chance to complete.
And even as I read that last sentence I feel disgust at my own self pity. 


How bizarre is that? I think there is this unspoken moratorium on grief. You cant say out loud, years later, that is still sucks so bad especially when even YOU KNOW your life is good!

 I am thankful and grateful for a beautiful life but I am still so sad and I need to learn how to allow all of that to sit within my soul.



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