2022

Dear Russ,

It has arrived. 

Over our many years together we spoke of 2022 with such anticipation! 

Of all the things we would do this magic year.

We spoke of it as if it were an absolute surety.  We would arrive together and celebrate all the remarkable milestones together. 

It did seem so far away at the time but never did I think I would arrive here alone. 

Without the ONE person in the world that makes each of these milestones real. 

It just feels so utterly devastating and surreal that I am here and you are not.

I want to delete 2022 and arrive in 2023. But I cannot rob our children of this year.

• Levi will be 16.
• Faith will be 18.
• Rachel will be 21.
• I will be 50.
• And we would be celebrating our 30 year wedding anniversary.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

I felt the horror of deep grief beginning to crawl through my veins in early December. Knowing I had to face Christmas with cheer and a smile. And then 2022 would still be waiting for me. An entire year of loss after loss after loss.  

The only consolation is that this is where our plans ended. Never did we look or talk beyond 2022. So perhaps the future beyond this year will be more wide open. Not touched in any way by you, me or us. 

But I have to wonder how much it will take from me to get through all this as God knows I have dug deep the last 6 years and somehow reserves feel thin. 

I have been in this place before, where the darkness consumes me, I will come out the other side. This set of waves are coming in thick and fast and perhaps I will be holding my breath just a little longer this year.

I wish you were here.