Full Circle

I can't believe its mid-July. So much for blogging my way through 2022 with my kids.

It has been a whirlwind with radical ups and downs. BUT one thing that is sure is that we have definitely been more intentional about spending time together. Doing more stuff and having little mini-adventures.

It has been sad for me that this year - which had been held as a beacon year with our 50, 21,18, and 16 birthdays has had to become something very different. No such lofty plans as an overseas trip....or even a local one at this stage. It just isn't going to happen however sometimes big trips come in weird forms and ours is no different....

We are moving house. After 16yrs in our rather large home in a secure estate we are moving back to my very first little townhouse that I bought in 1999. It is a radical, enormous and exceptionally insane move but I am certain (well, almost) certain that it is the right one for us at this time.

I loved (and still love) my little Hillcrest home. It is a proper little starter, lock up and go vibe. It is definitely not the choice for a family of 4. My girls will share the main-en-suite room; Levi and I will each have our own space but will share a bathroom....yoh! 

I have always laboured on about wanting to live simply. Without stuff. Without excess. Now is the time to put some weight behind my words. I am excited. The kids slightly more weary - they have never known another home so this is a massive curve ball.

Managing their emotions has been incredibly difficult. Each child processing in such different ways. I am dealing with huge guilt with not being able to provide in a way that I feel is right but at the same time realising I have done everything I can to keep shit together these last 7 years. Packing up the house and purging much stuff has been jarring. Even if there had not been a death it would be difficult but adding that detail has made it particularly unpalatable. 

The scrapbooks that I made - tens of them - hours of labour and love, now in boxes. I can't look at them, the kids won't look at them. What was it all for really? Just an ongoing reminder of all we lost - boxes and boxes of photos. I won't get rid of them. The kids will one day go through them. Just the thought is too much for me. I can handle fb memories but not those scrapbooks. Nuh - uh. 

I do wonder where to from here. Once again I look at my kids and see bright, happy futures for them. 

I'm stuck in a roadblock again. I cannot see much in my future but I am choosing to believe that once this move is behind me and the dust has settled that some enthusiasm for life and a future will return.

For now I will get outside. 

I will be with my kids. 

I will play with my dogs. 

I will do the things that move me from one day to the next as we all know that we make the road by walking.