FIVETRIBE

Easter. Three years later and the approach of Easter is burning a hole through me. Each day draws me closer to the fire. I don't even remember our first Easter after he left. I don't remember much of that first year other than that of being held in a space where my pain was manageable and kept in a bubble. I think from the second year the bubble sprouts a slow leak and the pain begins to ooze out.... And frankly this third year is set to be a DOOZY. The unpleasant part of it is that I am now pretty much alone in it all. By society's laws I am now over the worst and moving on with my life.  "Mel - you have a new life, new man, new kids and even a new job - it's time to let the past rest and focus on the future - be grateful for the years you had!" Yes. All true. Although rather bloody idealistic FFS.  But I try. God knows I try. But there are times when I just cannot be all grateful and amazing and thankful and brave. And Easter is one of ...

I have missed my blog. I left, I made a new one. I wrote on it but it doesnt feel right. This blog is home and I am back. Who knows how long this time. Its a very 2012 idea; this whole blogging thing - who does it anymore anyway? But I still think my blogs are the most valuable thing I can leave my children. So I will continue if only for them. Suffice to say we survived Christmas 2017. Our 3rd without our Man. I wonder if I will ever stop counting. Faith has gone back to school. Five years she was at home and now she hits high school for her re-entry. She has done SO WELL. It has been an incredibly stressful transition but she has truly dug deep and excelled in every area. Today she received her marks for her first math test. My child who has told herself she is not a numbers person...she is stupid... she hates maths....she is also stunned with a mark of 98%. It has taken her completely by surprise. She refuses to tell her siblings - I am at this stage still unsure why she i...

Never give up So after my pity party yesterday I guess its timeous to pull my head out my own ass. As it would happen I stumbled across Ann Voscamp's latest post: DARING TO HOPE WHEN ITS NOT HAPPY ENDINGS : HOW TO SING IN THE DARK Reading stuff like this has the tendency to produce feelings of shame and inadequacy in me. How can I be so utterly gormless and whiney when there are REAL people out there with REAL shit and doing REAL meaningful stuff. Thankfully I manage to shake that bullshit story quickly though. I remember that I am in the centre of my life and am living my own reality to the best of my ability. It is okay to feel the way I do from time to time. It is not okay to stay there and revel in the murkiness of self pity. Articles like these are not to shame me but to remind me. To remind me of who I am. Of who I ultimately serve. To remind me that all this shit is not mine alone to endure. ****************************8 "...and suddenly the h...

I have had a tough few days. Things seem to keep getting on top of me. I then take stock and try to rearrange the furniture in my brain into some sort of manageable formation. I have come to realise that life is simply a choice of which pain to endure. There are definitely high points but ultimately it really is a road of learning to endure hard things. It is quite a jarring reality for me. I am not denying that I have had many MANY good things but I suppose as you get older you become increasingly aware that to come to a place of 'good things' you have had to probably endure some seriously NOT good things. It's that duality thing again. My head is a tangled mess of loose threads. There are days, weeks even, where I am able to be comfortable in the uncertainty that is this life.  But lately it seems to be catching up to me....I am destabilised more easily, more often Its a kak feeling. I have so much going on in my life that today I am numb. It is almost lik...

Our first full day in beautiful Lux. It still feels quite dreamlike to have flown halfway across the world and to now be sitting in Lisa's lounge. We took it very easy today. Our 26 hour transit was taxing and today needed to be anything but! We all slept late and enjoyed a lazy morn punctuated by breakfast and many cups of tea. Around midday we took the dogs for a walk in the forest. This forest has been showing up on facebook for many years - all over Lisa's feed and I have had it firmly on my to-do list. It is simply remarkable and indescribable. I am recovering from a cold so wont be running those paths for a few days but happy to walk them (did almost 7k today!) and learn my way around until I can lace up and head out. This arvie found us all back on our beds with our books / laptops. Perfection! Tomorrow we will head out to the city for our first Luxembourg Tourist experience.

My beautiful, strong firstborn is sixteen. I hate that every milestone is now tainted with sadness. I hate that I cant just celebrate wildly without a permanent sense of deep sorrow and loss. Her birthday this year had me broken. I tried so hard to keep it together. I took her to the Mugg and Bean, We sat and chatted ---all the while in my head I was self-talking "just keep breathing Mel, don't let her see your pain, it's her special day,  please please don't lose your mind " I really tried. E ventually I knew I would not be able to keep my shit together. I thought I may start screaming like a crazy, insane person. That would not be good. I needed desparately to get out of public. LIKE IMMEDIATELY. I sent an emergency text and was collected and driven home. All the while I kept my composure - I did tell Rach the mild version of what I was experiencing --- and as always she was supportive and understanding. I struggle with guilt. I dont think she ...

Elsies Peak Hike  Happy days for my fiery fairy who is now a teenager. Her spark still burns bright and I love watching her grow - some days she wrestles and other days she glides. Whichever way it goes -  all I see is great courage, determination and an attitude of note! [ that part can be challenging!] Nature loving like her mama that smile....rare lately but beautiful sunshine, moongazing, ocean loving just love