Choose your pain

I have had a tough few days. Things seem to keep getting on top of me. I then take stock and try to rearrange the furniture in my brain into some sort of manageable formation.

I have come to realise that life is simply a choice of which pain to endure. There are definitely high points but ultimately it really is a road of learning to endure hard things. It is quite a jarring reality for me. I am not denying that I have had many MANY good things but I suppose as you get older you become increasingly aware that to come to a place of 'good things' you have had to probably endure some seriously NOT good things.

It's that duality thing again.

My head is a tangled mess of loose threads. There are days, weeks even, where I am able to be comfortable in the uncertainty that is this life.  But lately it seems to be catching up to me....I am destabilised more easily, more often

Its a kak feeling.

I have so much going on in my life that today I am numb. It is almost like I cannot process everything that needs doing. Everything that needs my attention. It is all too much.

School holidays next week. Course assignments overdue. Tenant defaulting requiring legal action and loss of income. New job starting next month. Cape drought affecting many areas of our lives. New tenants arriving requiring maintenance and new stove. Tax returns due. Faith starting high school requiring (large) deposit and uniform.Four teenage girls in this house.  Insurance refusing claims that were previously covered. House maintenance piling up with 3 leaks in a week, a pool that hasnt worked in a year, door handles falling off, flooring lifting, rising damp and the list simply continues.

Let us not even mention the ongoing business of two families living in one home. We won't talk about that.

Days / weeks like this leave me feeling thoroughly discouraged. I know I am not alone - every adult walking this planet is overwhelmed and stressed. I am not unique. But ffs - I am tired of being tired. I am tired of having 4 million thoughts a day.

I am just tired.

But tomorrow will come and this show will continue.