Biggest Regret
(Excerpt from journal)
9am
We have been awake since 7am as is customarty these days as I have to inject Russ with Clexane at 12 hour intervals. A week ago the thought made me swoon but now it is just part of my everyday life.
Right now Russ is reading next to me., Levi is propped up learning how to use iMovie on the iPad. Faith is downstairs checking her instagram and am guessing Rach is still fast asleep.
The day stretches lazily before us. No plans, no agendas and no obligations. Living like this can be an amazing feeling but sometimes also feels like everything has stopped and we are waiting for something to happen. I guess I need to make some sort of mental shift to spontaneity or something. Tendency with us is to all lie around like sloths with our devices. Can freak me out some. Need to find balance.
9.35pm
Its been another good day. Russ woke up feeling completely like himself. We ended up going for a 30min walk on Scarborough beach and then chips/milkshakes at Goemans. He slept late afternoon while I scanned some documents, sorted photos and ordered our family race pics from Jetline (Two Oceans).
I experimented with MISO in the kitchen. Epic fail. So much research. So much prepping, cooking and thinking. I am so exhausted; I need a plan for meals - to have to think so hard each day and work so hard with prep is just not sustainable.
I am somehow feeling very vulnerable again tonight. This feeling of normality scares me because nothing is normal and to fall back into comfort zone just means I will get hurt all over again if things go wrong. It is so hard to trust for good outcomes because embracing it make the pain of losing it all that much harder to bear but I cant live in fear ....trying to find the happy medium is elusive.
I struggle to give my whole heart/whole emotion to anything. My default is to always hold something back as a defense mechanism. Troubling.
My biggest regret since my world crashed is is the realisation that for 23 years I had not given Russ my whole heart for fear that he would leave me and that I would not survive. Holding back that piece has been for nothing because the hurt is still unbearable and intense and searing and intolerable.
Just the thought of him not being with me make me physically ache in my body. My only remedy is to now go forward - knowing what I know- and thrust I will survive, giving him every last bit of myself and hoping its enough.
9am
We have been awake since 7am as is customarty these days as I have to inject Russ with Clexane at 12 hour intervals. A week ago the thought made me swoon but now it is just part of my everyday life.
Right now Russ is reading next to me., Levi is propped up learning how to use iMovie on the iPad. Faith is downstairs checking her instagram and am guessing Rach is still fast asleep.
The day stretches lazily before us. No plans, no agendas and no obligations. Living like this can be an amazing feeling but sometimes also feels like everything has stopped and we are waiting for something to happen. I guess I need to make some sort of mental shift to spontaneity or something. Tendency with us is to all lie around like sloths with our devices. Can freak me out some. Need to find balance.
9.35pm
Its been another good day. Russ woke up feeling completely like himself. We ended up going for a 30min walk on Scarborough beach and then chips/milkshakes at Goemans. He slept late afternoon while I scanned some documents, sorted photos and ordered our family race pics from Jetline (Two Oceans).
I experimented with MISO in the kitchen. Epic fail. So much research. So much prepping, cooking and thinking. I am so exhausted; I need a plan for meals - to have to think so hard each day and work so hard with prep is just not sustainable.
I am somehow feeling very vulnerable again tonight. This feeling of normality scares me because nothing is normal and to fall back into comfort zone just means I will get hurt all over again if things go wrong. It is so hard to trust for good outcomes because embracing it make the pain of losing it all that much harder to bear but I cant live in fear ....trying to find the happy medium is elusive.
I struggle to give my whole heart/whole emotion to anything. My default is to always hold something back as a defense mechanism. Troubling.
My biggest regret since my world crashed is is the realisation that for 23 years I had not given Russ my whole heart for fear that he would leave me and that I would not survive. Holding back that piece has been for nothing because the hurt is still unbearable and intense and searing and intolerable.
Just the thought of him not being with me make me physically ache in my body. My only remedy is to now go forward - knowing what I know- and thrust I will survive, giving him every last bit of myself and hoping its enough.
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