The Lego Day

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Started with the great idea to go to movies but nothing suitable for the 2 smallies.
Ended up spending way too much money on Lego but kids had a great morning building...as they say...Busy Hands, Quiet Minds. Very therapeutic for them. Wish my morning could have entailed something quiet and creative.

My days are FULL of research, sourcing, querying, emailing, cooking (for russ) cleaning and feeding.The that my kids are not doing school probably should be worrying me but it doesnt really even factor right now.

I am so OVER trying to figure out food that is safe and healing for Russell right now. The pressure is unlike anything I have ever known but i think God may have spoken to me in Woolies today as I pushed my trolley around.

Ultimately He is in control of our situation. I am not going to heal Russ with my incredible culinary skills. I am just required to do my very best and trust in Gods divine plan this journey of ours.

It is hard.

I am in mourning for my old life.

Those carefree days where my only irritation were having to go to the mall or get my car licence renewed. Now I still have to do all that stuff plus the gazillion other plus worry about the life of my partner.

It is all too big. Just too big.

If I could cry all day, every day, I think I would.

I find my self pity quite revolting and off the charts but this is HARD..
I am not finding joy in any of it.
Not today anyway.

Today I am mad. I am grumpy. I am tired. I feel thoroughly cheated out of a life I feel I deserved.
Its is disgusting, I know, but there it is.

I have feelings inside me that are exploding and I feel all kinds of guilt around them but so it is.

I am now caregiver and mother.

Wife? I dont know. Hopefully that will happen again. But right now I feel like a verb.  I am a Doing person and I need time to be a Being person.

How I find that I don't know..

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