Dear Russ

Hey babe,

It’s been 3 years since we last spoke. 

Your fists raised victorious despite your frailty and the fire in your eyes as you spoke your impassioned plea to our sprogs - to stand for Christ despite circumstances.... that this (your death) was in fact a victory.

I will never forget that morning. Both powerful and devastating; it is burned into my soul. I was humbled and heartbroken. That YOU, you of all people, were going to be leaving ME to raise these kids. 

You were the good one. 

I have grappled many, many times over this but there is no good reason to ask the whys....nothing good comes from WHY?

So.
Instead I found myself asking : How?
How do I go forward without anger, bitterness and regret?

Three years later I can tell you we are okay. In fact, we are more than okay because we have all taken to heart the gift that is life and thriving is our only goal. Although surviving on the tough days is okay too. Your last words on our noticeboard resound when we slide towards bitterness.....

The first year after you left I had a very “fuckitall” mentality and worried about nothing. I miss those carefree days. Those adrenalin fueled hours, weeks, months of absolute clarity that comes with trauma and loss. That is one of the few gifts among the horror but sadly it fades. 

I am running again. Something happened on 23 November 2015 - I just crumbled on the side of the road that day and something broke in my body and mind  that I have only recently begun to heal. It has been a messy time, the struggle intense but silent.

I almost gave up on a few occasions but running is my safe space; it is a fundamental part of how I power through hard times. For this reason I have been relentless in my pursuit of healing, both mentally and physically.

You will be super stoked to know that next week I am running in my first stage race. It is such a big deal as it represents 3 years of struggle....and I am going to come out the other side stronger than when I started. 

The kids are all back in formal schooling.
I know.
Truly sucks eggs; I’m sorry but SERIOUSLY - being a single parent and homeschooling was never going to work out.

You should know that they are all absolutely styling. Straight A students - not that we ever cared about that but I can tell you it really helps me to have kids that fit the system and can just crank it out. I’m grateful for their adaptability and their keen work ethic. I think they get that from you.

Here is a plot twist of note for you : Faith really loves accounting. I know, right? Who saw that coming!

The kids aren’t super into our way of thinking faith-wise. Don’t be alarmed though because at their core they know the truth. I am 100% sure of this. We still don't do church; it all feels weird. I have taken them but no. Just not who we are or how we experience Christ.

Rach, the academic, needs proof - she is your child after all. She is a seeker and I think I need to buy that book you used to refer to ...The Case Against Christ. I wish you were here to debate with her - she would be an apologetics enthusiast I think. She is a TALKER ...oh my word. Remember Carol used to call her the JabberWalkie? Well, that was when she was 2 with a limited vocabulary and small view of the world!!! Now at 17 there are so many words and discussions to be had....it is a huge challenge for me. You should be here for that!

Faith is my atheist who is totally mad at God. I tease her regularly about the irony.
She is so far from the little girl you remember. She is heartbroken that you don’t know the strong, independent and confident kid she has become. Your exit forced an incredibly cataclysmic metamorphosis for her. The pain has been excruciating but the transformation is remarkable. She has recently started art journalling again and I can see the huge impact it has had on her. She is showing real signs of joy again not just odd moments of happiness.

Your boy has a strong sense of identity and knows that there is way more to this life than the shit-storm we live in. He writes beautifully and processes his emotions in such a mature and healthy manner. He is wise beyond his years and is fun loving, grounded and popular among his peers. He is keen to stand for prefect next year (I avoided eye-rolling, you would be proud!) and is still playing A side rugby and soccer. I have become much less anxious on the side lines and **may** allow him to pursue rugby in high school. He is almost as tall as me and is just a month or two away from wearing your brand new running shoes....that is a big deal in this house. He will run up that mountain, to the mast, in your shoes very soon. 

Finally, there is a guy. He loves me beyond my wildest expectations. I never looked for him but we found each other. His past is a reflection of mine and there is a deep understanding of love, loss and second chances. Suffice to say - I am happily “living in sin” - imagine our 1994 evangelical selves seeing our future selves - shock and horror. 

Thank you for believing in me. It has made all the difference in this life.

Until we meet again. ❤️