FIVETRIBE

Waking up sucks so bad but at least I had a massage booked for 9am. My body is wracked with pain and that really is not cool when your heart is messed up too. I cried my way through the massage. Thankfully my therapist is a very good friend and she just creates a safe space for me to come undone. My weekly massages may well be the key to a slow, gentle re-entry into my new life. Aware that my day was going to hold many administrative challenges I decided to swallow my pride….and a tranquilizer ….. to get me through the horrors of red tape, long queues and 0860 phone calls. Phone calls that have me telling my sad story to people who don't actually care but have to tell you how sorry they are. And I have to be nice and say thank you for telling me how sorry you are. Going out is still uber tough for me. It literally feels like I am walking around without skin on my body. I feel utterly raw, exposed and completely vulnerable. Simple things like noise, wind, voices or a stranger...

  People have been telling me for months how brave and amazing I am. This has never sat well with me. My retort was, without fail : ' I don't have a choice!' I have come to believe that I was wrong about that statement. I did, I do have a choice. Each and every day I have a choice in how I approach what has unfolded in our lives. I was running with a friend a couple of days ago and she was so upset by our circumstances and just venting about how messed up it all is. I agree. It is bloody messed up but in that moment I knew that I had to find meaning in all of this suffering. The alternative is not an option. I have begun to read and research (as I do....!) the enigma that is grief, suffering and loss. The more I read the more I KNOW that there is a way to grow through this and not live in a place of bitterness and pain. “I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think l...

I took the kids to the mall this morning. This is akin to me running a half marathon. This simple act requires determination and a fitness of mind that defies description. I took time deliberately to get dressed properly - each moment carefully and purposefully executed. 1. find your jeans Mel. find jeans that actually fit properly. 2. find a shirt, feel the fabric, tell yourself what that fabric feels like. breathe 3. shoes. you need shoes. not any shoes. find cool shoes. like your converse. 4. brush your hair. brush your teeth. at least attempt to fix your face and hide the dark circles. 5. breathe. 6. dont cry. 7. you CAN do this. 8. YOU CAN DO THIS. I took the kids to breakfast at the Mugg and Bean. A simple act that almost had me completely undone as I noticed that we now fitted a standard table for four. No more dragging an extra chair. That. THAT is now my life. Moments that completely explode before me without any warning. Moments that have the potential to destr...

Yesterday was horrific. Russ refused to eat, drink, get out of bed or communicate.  I cried most of the day. This morning as I turned over in our bed, my heart in my throat, I found him awake and alert. I could sense today was not going to be an ordinary day. I was right. 'Babe I am so sorry about yesterday. I just checked out.  I may be sinking into depression. I am just so tired. I don't know if I can do this. I am so sorry.' Instant tears leapt from my eyes as I saw my once strong man, now bedridden, crumble in agony at his admission. I took his hand, reminded him of our conversation three months ago, where we agreed that when he felt his fight was over that it would be OKAY. The assurance fell from my lips as I promised that, until his last breath, I would fight on his behalf. The rest of us will fight but he does not have to live up to our expectations. He can rest in the freedom of knowing others have got his back. He reached across and ...

It has been four months. Four months of unabated hardship.  (woe is me) There have been silver linings; moments of sweetness but only because we have truly sought them. If I look back, in wordly terms, we have had a pretty kak time. At every turn worst case scenario has bitten us.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a doctor say these words in the last few months; in a variety of contexts : "Unfortunately this can happen, it's unusual but it can happen. I am so sorry." I have long ago given up asking the infuriating WHY question. All this did was make me angry, bitter, confused and ultimately completely unsatisfied. I have simply had to settle for the HOW. How do I get up today? How do I make it through this hour?  How do I know if this pain will ever stop? How do I make sure I survive and am enough to take care of the emotional needs of my kids? How do I tackle the horrors of admin, banks, lawyers, home affairs and SARS in the face...

God and I have always had an issue with the concept of trust. I am not secure that His plans are better than mine. The latest turn of events have pretty much made my case. Russ and I have plans. We have amazing, long-held plans that were about to be executed in June. We have worked towards this goal for many years. We were waiting for Levi to be 9.  We are poised; the kids all happily home-schooled. Russ with plenty of contract work available overseas. Many other little things all PERFECTLY lined up for our PERFECT plan to work/travel for 2 years abroad and show our kids the world. And then everything in our world just went bat-shit crazy. What kind of a God thinks this plan is superior to ours? Particularly a God that claims to love us and to be able to FIX stuff like this in a heartbeat? Bloody hell, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I have 30 years of history with Jesus. I know that even as I type this He is still in control. I know that I can tr...

Chased by grace. That phrase found me early in this messy journey. Frankly the last few weeks have felt utterly graceless. I have felt abandoned, betrayed and pissed off but that will have to be a story for another day. Instead I will write about today. Russell is pretty much bedridden, although, with some help, he can do the basics. He sleeps most of the day. Apart from that he chills in bed and occasionally parks off in a chair in our room. We chat when he is up to it. We don't stare longingly into each others eyes, sobbing over our situation. We tend to shoot the breeze and we laugh over dumb things. He doesn't read or watch tv. Going downstairs is a chore and it's way too noisy and chaotic. I share this randomness with you so you can understand the following conversation I had with him today. (bear in mind I haven't been anywhere with my kids in weeks) Me: Babe, I am going to take the kids out to lunch okay? My mom is here if you need her.   Him : Wai...