FIVETRIBE

I am not going to lie. This has been a hellish month.      And an incredible month. That is my life. Parallel paths of heaven and hell. The trials have been navigating all three of the kids birthdays as well as Fathers Day this month. It has taken much of me to be okay and celebrate and hold space for my kids. But it is done. Today I did two things just for me. #  I signed up with a personal trainer. I need to get physically strong again. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this gaunt, old person staring back at me. I want to be able to eat, pick up muscle and feel like my old self again. Boobs would be a bonus too. # I have enrolled with Duke University to do a writing diploma through Coursera. This is purely for me. I have thought about going back to work and it may happen but for right now I just want to try and take care of myself in a way that brings me joy, gives me courage and delights my soul. I cannot contribute, in any capacity, until I fin...

Today was difficult. Really difficult. I struggled to make the day what it needed to be but he was gracious. He texted me now, at 9pm, to thank me for a wonderful birthday. The boy is being kind. It sucked. But somehow the necessary boxes were ticked and he is okay. Levi misses his dad like crazy. LIKE CRAZY. I see it daily, I see it in little things that no-one else will notice.  I see it in his eyes every afternoon when he arrives home. I am not enough and it is revolting. That being said, Levi is relentless in his pursuit of happiness and fulfilment. He knows that all Russ wanted for him was everything he could dream and imagine. He understands that pain and sorrow will find him regularly but that it is up to him to find healthy ways to purge and move forward. He does this with music, sport and new friendships. He does this by taking a walk in the estate or finding a new song to learn or by practising tackle drills. Sometimes he quietly just sits in his room and crie...

Pain of my past has harvested my heart It has tilled the soil of my soul Prepared me to love you The depth of this new love, a gift; Redemption I do not deserve In my darkest  moments,  I shook my fist Wrestled and rioted in anger But in the end, it was not the end after all Instead, a continued great story  Of life, love, loss and redemption For in the winter of change the chill can freeze your bones and the memory of summer a fairytale with little meaning but summer, she always comes despite winters' harshest arrows so sit by the fire and feel the aching burn wait for summer and when she arrives let her melt your sorrow; may it become one with your joy a beautiful collage of a future uncertain but perfectly predestined. -SMB-

Rachel has always been an exceptional character.  She has  wisdom and insight beyond her years despite being madly teenager-ish. She has remained steadfast and grounded throughout the last 9 months. Unwaiveringly sure that her dad is simply elsewhere right now, living large and waiting for us to join him. She is content and starry-eyed about her future. I have seen her biggest adjustment and loss lies in the fact that our once very tightly-knit family is now very loosely bound. Not in the ways you may imagine but simply in that my capacity is far from stellar. I still need VAST quanitities of time alone. We may all be in the same house but I am almost always in my bedroom or study. If not, I am in the kitchen or helping with logisitics. We don't have family game nights or movie nights. We seldom do things, just the four of us. And therein lies her pain. She is a huge tradition girl and family girl. She is also a 'mommy's girl' - few would know that but she has ...

I have decided to feedback on each kid individually. Helps me to focus my scattered brain and makes reading it less tedious. Bullet points are going to be my best friend in the next few posts. Faith has persevered bravely with treatment for Osgood Schlatters that threatened to keep her from dancing for 3 years. In fact, she is back at tap and is hoping to start modern again next term. Pretty damn miraculous. I have to thank our incredible physio, who like me, refused to lie down and allow this to debilitate Faith for years to come.  Faith has almost completed her therapy and I will be meeting with her therapist soon for feedback. From my conversations with her I see real healing even though the pain persists but she is not afraid to feel and deal.  Faith is working with a tutor twice a week - more to free me up from the responsibility of marking and keeping track. She works independently on the other days of the week doing the work assigned by her tutor. She is f...