FIVETRIBE

I spent some time on the beach this morning. The girls swam and the lad and I just hung out. It was tough not to notice the obvious; he should be here. Period. It did afford me some time to ponder, allow simmering thoughts to bubble to the surface. I found this on my screen this morning and the words rang so beautifully in my heart. Likewise I, God , will comfort Zion,      comfort all her mounds of ruins. I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden,      her moonscape into the garden of God , A place filled with exuberance and laughter,      thankful voices and melodic songs.  (Isaiah 51 : The Msg) And yet the beauty still just feels like words on a page for me. I cannot find comfort or hope in these words. The bible is weird for me now. I can't yet reconcile many things I was taught as a christian and I am not even trying. My spiritual walk has become so part of each breath I take that words on a page ...

There are times when words are unable to express the sanctity of a moment or experience. I am not even going to try - suffice to say joy, peace and gratitude flooded my being on this day.   I fell many times on this daunting climb but I did eventually make it to the top; I felt Russell's pride in that moment. ************************ " In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that .. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back." Albert Camus

My run today nearly killed me. Not because I am ferociously unfit but rather because my grief decided to ambush me on the hill back up to my house. This particular hill has fast-moving traffic on both sides. Busy people with busy lives careening to get home at 6pm.  Little did they know that the girl walking unsteadily was not tired but rather fighting for her life and sanity. I have not experienced this kind of sharp, unabating, overwhelming pain since Russ was ill.  I thought the worst was over. OH MY GOD. I WAS WRONG. I remember this pain. The one that takes my breath way; causes me forget my children, my family, my friends, my own life. It simply screams for my life to be  be over. At any cost.  I remember this pain from the days I would sit alongside my sleeping, ill man. And now ---- I arrive home to my kids excitedly preparing for my birthday tomorrow.  Kids who, I know, feel an overwhelming responsibility to make my day super...

In the beginning all I feel is pain; my heart has been broken but quietly the realisation comes first with a smile, then with a laugh Just like when the sun begins to set and light and darkness dance -  within my broken heart Joy and sorrow co-exist   -unknown- For the past week I have been ruminating on this journey of parallel experience. Brokenness and joy. Laughter and tears. Tr iumph and trag edy. Light and dark. It trouble s me deeply.  I underst and that this new reality of mine is not unique. In fact I was told that One Day I would find myself laughing again. Enjoying the silly, meaningless fascinations of everyday life.  It is quietly, gently unfolding before me and yet I still feel a deep sense of discomfort as I cannot understand how t his can be happening mere months after losing my soulmate.  I wish I c ould say I feel a sense of r elief a t the desire to laugh again , but no .  I feel betrayed by my own h...

I really should not do this to myself. I had a completely different post in mind. Now I am a wreck and have to hide from my kids until I recover. I realise now why I dont blog very often. Blogging often results in me looking for a particular image which then means I have to delve through MANY images to find the one I need. A part of me feels I need to FORCE myself to do the hard stuff - look at photos, watch videos and listen to his voice notes. Maybe it's good for me. Probably healthier than sitting in a dark corner cutting myself. Yes. I now understand why people self-harm.  Hurting physically is far more appealing than the gnawing, relentless bite of emotional pain. My mom took both these images. It is the day we moved from her house back to ours.We had been told that our time together was limited. We desparately wanted to make sure we spent as much of it as possible in the beautiful house we built together nine years ago. This day marked the beginning of our p...