17 November 2015

"One Day"

In the beginning all I feel is pain;
my heart has been broken
but quietly the realisation comes
first with a smile, then with a laugh

Just like when the sun begins to set
and light and darkness dance -
 within my broken heart
Joy and sorrow co-exist

For the past week I have been ruminating on this journey of parallel experience. Brokenness and joy. Laughter and tears. Triumph and tragedy. Light and dark.

It troubles me deeply.  I understand that this new reality of mine is not unique. In fact I was told that One Day I would find myself laughing again. Enjoying the silly, meaningless fascinations of everyday life. 

It is quietly, gently unfolding before me and yet I still feel a deep sense of discomfort as I cannot understand how this can be happening mere months after losing my soulmate. 

I wish I could say I feel a sense of relief at the desire to laugh again, but no
I feel betrayed by my own heart and head. I feel disloyal and shallow. I feel like I want to, need to, hold onto the deep brokenness and pain to honour the love that Russ and I shared.

Gentle introspection (not a familar experience) has forced me to unravel and rebuild all kinds of weird shit that I had never considered. It has been both devastating and empowering. 

Again two very different emotions restlessly residing within me.

While sorrow and brokenness are never fun places to hang out they remind me  of a life and man who brought me so much joy; I would not trade these tears for anything. 

Perhaps it is simply accepting that joy anew can begin in deep brokenness.

"Every moment of our lives we have the opportunity to choose joy.
It is in the choice that our true freedom liesand that freedom is, 
in the final analysis, the freedom to love. 
-Henri Nouwen 


Nocturnal Wenchy said...

Joy is a wonderful thing! Live in the moment. X

Nocturnal Wenchy said...

Joy is a wonderful thing! Live in the moment. X