FIVETRIBE

11-9-68 to 25-08-2015 This is the unedited, first and only draft I did for Russell's tribute service. I never did use it as I decided on the day to just speak from my heart. I found it on my laptop today and am so grateful.  I have no recollection of what I actually said at the tribute.  For those who could not be there; this is the best I can do for you at the moment - I have a feeling much of what is written here was covered on the day. I do hope to upload the video footage in the coming month or so. 1 September. I don't know what to say. And yet there is so much to say. Lets start at the beginning. I met Russ as a teen at a multi-denominational young adults group. He only ever came once...lucky for me I managed to peak his interest enough to engage with me in some lively churchy banter. I guess you could say our first date was going to visit a new church together the following weekend. Yup, true story. What drew me to Russ from the very start ...

I made my blog public when Russ became ill. I wrestled with God for AGES about it as  I was NOT happy to gut myself and bleed in public. It was one of the single most difficult things for me to do - to pour my pain and grief onto a page for all to see. I did not want to be some poster child for inspiration when I knew very well who I was and how I was processing my circumstances....but I do believe it helped me make sense of the unthinkable and perhaps it helped many others too. I will never know the full impact but I do know that the season is over. I will be closing my blog once again. I will simply be writing for us - about our every day lives. There will be no profoundness or inspiration. Just the tick-tock of everyday life and our attempt to live it out in a simple yet intentional fashion. I want to thank all of you for walking with us so strongly and purposefully in this time. You all have held us in a way I never imagined possible. With my love always The F...

I spent some time on the beach this morning. The girls swam and the lad and I just hung out. It was tough not to notice the obvious; he should be here. Period. It did afford me some time to ponder, allow simmering thoughts to bubble to the surface. I found this on my screen this morning and the words rang so beautifully in my heart. Likewise I, God , will comfort Zion,      comfort all her mounds of ruins. I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden,      her moonscape into the garden of God , A place filled with exuberance and laughter,      thankful voices and melodic songs.  (Isaiah 51 : The Msg) And yet the beauty still just feels like words on a page for me. I cannot find comfort or hope in these words. The bible is weird for me now. I can't yet reconcile many things I was taught as a christian and I am not even trying. My spiritual walk has become so part of each breath I take that words on a page ...

There are times when words are unable to express the sanctity of a moment or experience. I am not even going to try - suffice to say joy, peace and gratitude flooded my being on this day.   I fell many times on this daunting climb but I did eventually make it to the top; I felt Russell's pride in that moment. ************************ " In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that .. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back." Albert Camus

My run today nearly killed me. Not because I am ferociously unfit but rather because my grief decided to ambush me on the hill back up to my house. This particular hill has fast-moving traffic on both sides. Busy people with busy lives careening to get home at 6pm.  Little did they know that the girl walking unsteadily was not tired but rather fighting for her life and sanity. I have not experienced this kind of sharp, unabating, overwhelming pain since Russ was ill.  I thought the worst was over. OH MY GOD. I WAS WRONG. I remember this pain. The one that takes my breath way; causes me forget my children, my family, my friends, my own life. It simply screams for my life to be  be over. At any cost.  I remember this pain from the days I would sit alongside my sleeping, ill man. And now ---- I arrive home to my kids excitedly preparing for my birthday tomorrow.  Kids who, I know, feel an overwhelming responsibility to make my day super...

In the beginning all I feel is pain; my heart has been broken but quietly the realisation comes first with a smile, then with a laugh Just like when the sun begins to set and light and darkness dance -  within my broken heart Joy and sorrow co-exist   -unknown- For the past week I have been ruminating on this journey of parallel experience. Brokenness and joy. Laughter and tears. Tr iumph and trag edy. Light and dark. It trouble s me deeply.  I underst and that this new reality of mine is not unique. In fact I was told that One Day I would find myself laughing again. Enjoying the silly, meaningless fascinations of everyday life.  It is quietly, gently unfolding before me and yet I still feel a deep sense of discomfort as I cannot understand how t his can be happening mere months after losing my soulmate.  I wish I c ould say I feel a sense of r elief a t the desire to laugh again , but no .  I feel betrayed by my own h...

I really should not do this to myself. I had a completely different post in mind. Now I am a wreck and have to hide from my kids until I recover. I realise now why I dont blog very often. Blogging often results in me looking for a particular image which then means I have to delve through MANY images to find the one I need. A part of me feels I need to FORCE myself to do the hard stuff - look at photos, watch videos and listen to his voice notes. Maybe it's good for me. Probably healthier than sitting in a dark corner cutting myself. Yes. I now understand why people self-harm.  Hurting physically is far more appealing than the gnawing, relentless bite of emotional pain. My mom took both these images. It is the day we moved from her house back to ours.We had been told that our time together was limited. We desparately wanted to make sure we spent as much of it as possible in the beautiful house we built together nine years ago. This day marked the beginning of our p...

My alarm went off at 7am this morning. Same as every Saturday for the last 6 weeks. The difference today is I actually pulled myself up and out of bed whereas all previous weeks I have stabbed the 'dismiss' button with revulsion. The difference today? ACCOUNTABILITY. Something I have managed to studiously avoid my entire life and even more so the last few months. Today I knew I was ready for the challenge. I have been desparate to run but emotionally it has been utterly devastating for me each time I laced up. Each footfall took me back to races, landscapes, mountains and trails that Russell and I had disovered together. He always kept me warm on those freezing start lines!  It felt utterly wrong to be running without him; my breathing would choke me up and I always ended up walking with tears behind my big dark glasses.  He was my running mentor, encourager and he was SO proud of me. My 10k PB was set on Chappies Challenge thanks to ...

Another week has passed. This one has been more tenable than last week. It has held some highly amusing moments; widowhood definitely has a funny side occasionally.  I even took the kids out for spur of the moment supper last night and it did not overwhelm me. We had a great evening and I ate a good steak! Hopefully it will provide much needed fuel for my first Parkrun in months tomorrow. I have help at the house this week - much of the woodwork (doors and windows) were in grave need of repair and restoration. It feels good to start getting on top of things and to feel like my house may feel like a home again in the near future. To this end I also started clearing the schoolbook cupboard. I am tossing all old homeschooling content as my kids are starting a completely different curriculum next year. I am pairing down to the bare minimum in an effort to keep things clean, simple and uncluttered. This weekend seems set to include more DIY-ing, springcleaning, running and...

I wish the 25th of each month simply meant payday to me. Instead it reminds me that I need to take a deep breath. And then another. And another. The day started badly. All of us were cranky and unhappy. Steve texted with the idea to climb Table Mountain and I laughed hysterically. In the past this would have lit me up like a bonfire but these days just getting out the house is a miraculous experience. Instead we settled on a trip to Dias Beach in Cape Point. This idea was not met with much enthusiasm from my crew. (Rach was working at TEARS for the day) Levi and Faith came along with heavy hearts and grim attitudes. Once again I found myself trying to carry everyone's emotions. It's getting old. I want to be selfish and just deal with my own shit. My own pain. MY loss.  I want to not have to think about ANYONE else for even one day. Sadly parenthood affords none of us such luxury; not even in my unenviable position. I am happy to...

24 years since we met. 23 years married. 60 days since he went ahead of me. Time.  So finite yet we live like we have infinity within our worldly grasp.   I celebrated our life together by doing exactly what I knew we would be doing if he were right here with me.  Levi and I went to Cafe Roux with fellow rugby junkies and watched our boys give the AB's a cracker of a game.  Bittersweet. My heart ached in a way words will never convey.   The trouble is....you think you have time.   -Buddha-

Faith and I have both been wrestling lately. She no longer wants to dance. I no longer want to run. These things that used to bring us so much joy and peace now seem like insurmountable, meaningless tasks. Together we are making a plan. While she dances - I run. Sometimes neither of us can do it and instead we lie on our beds and watch series. Or stare into space. But we have a plan and we are doing our best.

   I really wanted to blog more often. I wanted to one day look back and see how I made it through the most heartbreaking time of my life. What did I do each day? How did I manage? Truth is I have not been able to blog. I have written perhaps 4 journal entries. I could not even tell you how I have made it through the last 56 days. In a nutshell it would probably look something like this: 1. The kids. Conversations with my children have often left me speechless. Their wisdom defies their years and I am so utterly grateful to have them in my life. (when discussing times that may be hard in the future) Rachel: Mom, I have never been married so I have never had a dad walk me down the aisle. I have many great men in the family who can do that for me. Levi: Dad taught you how to drive, Mom. So when you teach me it is actually still Dad teaching me. Levi: We may never be as happy as we could have been but that does not mean we cant ever be happy. 2. ...

Waking up sucks so bad but at least I had a massage booked for 9am. My body is wracked with pain and that really is not cool when your heart is messed up too. I cried my way through the massage. Thankfully my therapist is a very good friend and she just creates a safe space for me to come undone. My weekly massages may well be the key to a slow, gentle re-entry into my new life. Aware that my day was going to hold many administrative challenges I decided to swallow my pride….and a tranquilizer ….. to get me through the horrors of red tape, long queues and 0860 phone calls. Phone calls that have me telling my sad story to people who don't actually care but have to tell you how sorry they are. And I have to be nice and say thank you for telling me how sorry you are. Going out is still uber tough for me. It literally feels like I am walking around without skin on my body. I feel utterly raw, exposed and completely vulnerable. Simple things like noise, wind, voices or a stranger...

  People have been telling me for months how brave and amazing I am. This has never sat well with me. My retort was, without fail : ' I don't have a choice!' I have come to believe that I was wrong about that statement. I did, I do have a choice. Each and every day I have a choice in how I approach what has unfolded in our lives. I was running with a friend a couple of days ago and she was so upset by our circumstances and just venting about how messed up it all is. I agree. It is bloody messed up but in that moment I knew that I had to find meaning in all of this suffering. The alternative is not an option. I have begun to read and research (as I do....!) the enigma that is grief, suffering and loss. The more I read the more I KNOW that there is a way to grow through this and not live in a place of bitterness and pain. “I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think l...

I took the kids to the mall this morning. This is akin to me running a half marathon. This simple act requires determination and a fitness of mind that defies description. I took time deliberately to get dressed properly - each moment carefully and purposefully executed. 1. find your jeans Mel. find jeans that actually fit properly. 2. find a shirt, feel the fabric, tell yourself what that fabric feels like. breathe 3. shoes. you need shoes. not any shoes. find cool shoes. like your converse. 4. brush your hair. brush your teeth. at least attempt to fix your face and hide the dark circles. 5. breathe. 6. dont cry. 7. you CAN do this. 8. YOU CAN DO THIS. I took the kids to breakfast at the Mugg and Bean. A simple act that almost had me completely undone as I noticed that we now fitted a standard table for four. No more dragging an extra chair. That. THAT is now my life. Moments that completely explode before me without any warning. Moments that have the potential to destr...

Yesterday was horrific. Russ refused to eat, drink, get out of bed or communicate.  I cried most of the day. This morning as I turned over in our bed, my heart in my throat, I found him awake and alert. I could sense today was not going to be an ordinary day. I was right. 'Babe I am so sorry about yesterday. I just checked out.  I may be sinking into depression. I am just so tired. I don't know if I can do this. I am so sorry.' Instant tears leapt from my eyes as I saw my once strong man, now bedridden, crumble in agony at his admission. I took his hand, reminded him of our conversation three months ago, where we agreed that when he felt his fight was over that it would be OKAY. The assurance fell from my lips as I promised that, until his last breath, I would fight on his behalf. The rest of us will fight but he does not have to live up to our expectations. He can rest in the freedom of knowing others have got his back. He reached across and ...

It has been four months. Four months of unabated hardship.  (woe is me) There have been silver linings; moments of sweetness but only because we have truly sought them. If I look back, in wordly terms, we have had a pretty kak time. At every turn worst case scenario has bitten us.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a doctor say these words in the last few months; in a variety of contexts : "Unfortunately this can happen, it's unusual but it can happen. I am so sorry." I have long ago given up asking the infuriating WHY question. All this did was make me angry, bitter, confused and ultimately completely unsatisfied. I have simply had to settle for the HOW. How do I get up today? How do I make it through this hour?  How do I know if this pain will ever stop? How do I make sure I survive and am enough to take care of the emotional needs of my kids? How do I tackle the horrors of admin, banks, lawyers, home affairs and SARS in the face...

God and I have always had an issue with the concept of trust. I am not secure that His plans are better than mine. The latest turn of events have pretty much made my case. Russ and I have plans. We have amazing, long-held plans that were about to be executed in June. We have worked towards this goal for many years. We were waiting for Levi to be 9.  We are poised; the kids all happily home-schooled. Russ with plenty of contract work available overseas. Many other little things all PERFECTLY lined up for our PERFECT plan to work/travel for 2 years abroad and show our kids the world. And then everything in our world just went bat-shit crazy. What kind of a God thinks this plan is superior to ours? Particularly a God that claims to love us and to be able to FIX stuff like this in a heartbeat? Bloody hell, it's a bitter pill to swallow. I have 30 years of history with Jesus. I know that even as I type this He is still in control. I know that I can tr...

Chased by grace. That phrase found me early in this messy journey. Frankly the last few weeks have felt utterly graceless. I have felt abandoned, betrayed and pissed off but that will have to be a story for another day. Instead I will write about today. Russell is pretty much bedridden, although, with some help, he can do the basics. He sleeps most of the day. Apart from that he chills in bed and occasionally parks off in a chair in our room. We chat when he is up to it. We don't stare longingly into each others eyes, sobbing over our situation. We tend to shoot the breeze and we laugh over dumb things. He doesn't read or watch tv. Going downstairs is a chore and it's way too noisy and chaotic. I share this randomness with you so you can understand the following conversation I had with him today. (bear in mind I haven't been anywhere with my kids in weeks) Me: Babe, I am going to take the kids out to lunch okay? My mom is here if you need her.   Him : Wai...