FIVETRIBE

Mont Rochelle The day has been looming for months....when I agreed to this race it totally seemed doable but, alas, training got away from me. This was, without doubt, the most challenging run I have ever done. 9kms up the Franschoek mountain and then a sharp, fast descent all the way down on very shaky legs. There were tears. There was swearing. There was abuse. There was blaming. But I did it ....with the Hero by my side....quietly absorbing the hits and encouraging me in the darkest times. Starry-eyed and unaware of the extreme challenge ahead. Still able to appreciate the view (around 3kms) One of the few runnable areas on the ascent The climbs are getting real. Beginning the descent and starting to feel my legs All I am *actually* thinking is how fast I can get off that damn mountain. But, yeah, great view.

Today was Levi's first award ceremony as a SVPS pupil. I hate 'prize-giving' and have written many blogging rants on this subject but I was very pleased to see that this school has a unique perspective in the way they reward/encourage students. Their curriculum and ethos flow strongly around the theme of developing GRIT in children with emphasis on the power of failing-forward, the positive power of struggle and the understanding of process versus outcome. I sat in my seat listening to the principal and, at times, had to restrain myself from leaving my seat and high-fiving him. I watched Levi on the stage as he sat with all his peers. He lights up when he is at school and I can only be grateful that the new path I felt best for him turned out so well. He walked away with an EQ award - I am not surprised - this boy has shown outstanding courage this year. I am so proud of him. Articles regarding GRIT and how important it is : http://news.stanford.edu/2015/04/29/d...

Music. It has always held much magic for me but never quite as intensely as the last 18months. This weekend found me lying in the sun at a beautiful vineyard, surrounded by friends, listening to Watershed. As I lay there I took notice of how happy I was. I took notice of the way my skin felt. I listened to my heartbeat. I touched the grass and I inhaled the scent of the man next to me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude but, in that same moment, a tinge of sadness seeped through my pores. Sadness is not something I try to run from anymore. I find she often arrives at the most unexpected times and I have learnt to sit with her in comfortable silence. Sadness amplifies joy. She has shown me that with her I can taste life in colours I have never seen. I let the music wash over me and smiled as the lyrics told me a story I already knew. Tell her about today Tel her about my stay Tell her we better off this way Tell her I meant to stay I'll be back some...

We almost did not make this outdoor music event.  Our lives have been a bit chaotic and I just felt we should cool our jets and stay home for a bit. Thank God The Hero managed to talk some sense into me ....  Sunday morn saw us both diy-ing and doing kid/house stuff until about 1pm. Feeling stoked with our domestic endeavours we  packed the car and headed to Warwick, leaving kids at home with plenty of food and promises to be home before bedtime. We stopped for a quick bite along the way and arrived at Warwick around 3pm. What an incredible venue and a fabulous event.  Left just after 6pm and snuck in dinner at Tigers Milk before I became edgy as it was getting late...Monday was looming I needed to get home! But what an incredible afternoon - now safely stashed in the memory bank. Good times always follow these two. Getting my 'groupie' groove on with the band and the joke Selfie time. You can never have too many. ...

You have to love Facebook for all the events that so easily slide into sight. It has seriously increased our social life. The Groote Post run was in Darling - a bit of a trek - but we decided some time ago that it looked like a great family day out. There was a 4km trail run/walk for the older kids, D was able to be entertained in a facility for younger kids while the Hero and I were able to run a comfortable 13k trail route. The terrain was completely different to our usual mountain stuff. There were some challenging sandy bits and a few little hills (that felt enormous at the time but that was before Mont Rochelle taught me a lesson!) We were mostly spoiled with view of tumbling hills and rolling wheat fields - a welcome reprieve from some of the highly technical stuff we have done in the past. After the race there was much feeding and water to do for all the many peoples....my folks and brother joined us for lunch which was very cool. Fit family :-) Pre-race se...

It has been almost 2 months since my last post. I do not have anything to say that I want to keep for posterity. I decided to open a Tumblr account. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I had had the same idea four years ago. I only posted twice. ************************ "Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible and then suddenly you are doing the impossible. " St Francis of Assissi. ************************* My initial reaction was "wow". I have since reverted to my current zone right now that goes more like "whatever".

I am not going to lie. This has been a hellish month.      And an incredible month. That is my life. Parallel paths of heaven and hell. The trials have been navigating all three of the kids birthdays as well as Fathers Day this month. It has taken much of me to be okay and celebrate and hold space for my kids. But it is done. Today I did two things just for me. #  I signed up with a personal trainer. I need to get physically strong again. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this gaunt, old person staring back at me. I want to be able to eat, pick up muscle and feel like my old self again. Boobs would be a bonus too. # I have enrolled with Duke University to do a writing diploma through Coursera. This is purely for me. I have thought about going back to work and it may happen but for right now I just want to try and take care of myself in a way that brings me joy, gives me courage and delights my soul. I cannot contribute, in any capacity, until I fin...

Today was difficult. Really difficult. I struggled to make the day what it needed to be but he was gracious. He texted me now, at 9pm, to thank me for a wonderful birthday. The boy is being kind. It sucked. But somehow the necessary boxes were ticked and he is okay. Levi misses his dad like crazy. LIKE CRAZY. I see it daily, I see it in little things that no-one else will notice.  I see it in his eyes every afternoon when he arrives home. I am not enough and it is revolting. That being said, Levi is relentless in his pursuit of happiness and fulfilment. He knows that all Russ wanted for him was everything he could dream and imagine. He understands that pain and sorrow will find him regularly but that it is up to him to find healthy ways to purge and move forward. He does this with music, sport and new friendships. He does this by taking a walk in the estate or finding a new song to learn or by practising tackle drills. Sometimes he quietly just sits in his room and crie...

Pain of my past has harvested my heart It has tilled the soil of my soul Prepared me to love you The depth of this new love, a gift; Redemption I do not deserve In my darkest  moments,  I shook my fist Wrestled and rioted in anger But in the end, it was not the end after all Instead, a continued great story  Of life, love, loss and redemption For in the winter of change the chill can freeze your bones and the memory of summer a fairytale with little meaning but summer, she always comes despite winters' harshest arrows so sit by the fire and feel the aching burn wait for summer and when she arrives let her melt your sorrow; may it become one with your joy a beautiful collage of a future uncertain but perfectly predestined. -SMB-

Rachel has always been an exceptional character.  She has  wisdom and insight beyond her years despite being madly teenager-ish. She has remained steadfast and grounded throughout the last 9 months. Unwaiveringly sure that her dad is simply elsewhere right now, living large and waiting for us to join him. She is content and starry-eyed about her future. I have seen her biggest adjustment and loss lies in the fact that our once very tightly-knit family is now very loosely bound. Not in the ways you may imagine but simply in that my capacity is far from stellar. I still need VAST quanitities of time alone. We may all be in the same house but I am almost always in my bedroom or study. If not, I am in the kitchen or helping with logisitics. We don't have family game nights or movie nights. We seldom do things, just the four of us. And therein lies her pain. She is a huge tradition girl and family girl. She is also a 'mommy's girl' - few would know that but she has ...

I have decided to feedback on each kid individually. Helps me to focus my scattered brain and makes reading it less tedious. Bullet points are going to be my best friend in the next few posts. Faith has persevered bravely with treatment for Osgood Schlatters that threatened to keep her from dancing for 3 years. In fact, she is back at tap and is hoping to start modern again next term. Pretty damn miraculous. I have to thank our incredible physio, who like me, refused to lie down and allow this to debilitate Faith for years to come.  Faith has almost completed her therapy and I will be meeting with her therapist soon for feedback. From my conversations with her I see real healing even though the pain persists but she is not afraid to feel and deal.  Faith is working with a tutor twice a week - more to free me up from the responsibility of marking and keeping track. She works independently on the other days of the week doing the work assigned by her tutor. She is f...

I woke up feeling extremely strange. I felt anxious and outside of my own reality. Stuff was happening around me; I was driving, talking and engaging but I was not present. I was almost in the third person. I came home and considered taking a tranquliser which is not something I do; all the while trying to nail down WHY I was feeling this way.  And then my phone rang and as I reached for it I noticed the date. 25 May 2016 And then I realised that my soul knew before my brain did.  Nine months ago today I was coming home from hospice to tell my children their dad had died.  Unthinkable. Horrific. The flashback hit me so hard. All of it. All at once. The sound of Faith's scream when she saw my car pull up. The image of Levi's crumpled frame on the couch. The dark look of utter despair in Rachel's eyes as she reached for me. I felt that I may scream and never stop. So I held my breath. I may even have silently prayed that I didn't los...

Please read this post first if you haven't already. This is almost a 'Part Two' .... nine months later. *********************************************************** “I don't hold to the idea that God causes suffering and crisis. I just know that those things come along and God uses them. We think life should be a nice, clean ascending line. But inevitably something wanders onto the scene and creates havoc with the nice way we've arranged life to fall in place.”    Sue Monk Kidd (When the Heart Waits) I live my life now with an urgency and a passion that few possess. It has always been in me. It has simply been awakened and stoked. It will never be put out again. Russell's death was my invitation to life.  My deepest regret is that it took me losing him to understand what it means to live. Do not make the same mistake.

Forever does not seem too far away. Sometimes it is after we lose someone when we learn  to love. Where hope, and dreams greet, and everything is perfect the way it was meant to be. So hear me, soon enough we will meet again I will carry your soul in my heart. The same heart you  helped me build. RM DRAKE

This weekend saw me running the Jonkershoek Mountain Challenge. Yes, another trail run but this race was different from all the rest. Obviously it is the longest and most challenging run I have ever completed but, from the day I signed up, I knew this race was going to be far more than the obvious. There were many obstacles thrown up the week before race-day. Kevin picked up a knee injury,  I picked up an infection and on the night before the race unusual circumstances had me awake and upset until well after midnight....then to top it off, I woke up on race morning with swollen glands and a fiery throat. Ridiculous opposition which simply made me more determined. We were going to run. Period. Kevin taped his knee, we took copious quantities of varying (legal)  drugs and Sunday morning found us on the road to Stellenbosch at 0630. The race was brutal, gruelling and painful at times. It was also magical, awe-inspiring and breathtaking. The uphill climb was un...

Easter weekend I hit wobble. In the midst of so much joy the darkness found a crack and slithered in regardless. My 'flight mode' kicked in and I took off, unannounced, into the Mcgregor mountains with little regard for anyone else's feelings or concerns. Part of me knew it was wrong. That same part didn't care. I took flack for it. My family and those closest to me shat me out. I defended myself; knowing full well they would never understand the gravity and relentless compulsion that causes me to flee on these rare occasions. I resisted the urge to SCREAM and tell them to be grateful that I fucking well came back at all. Yes. I still swear. Yes. I am still angry. I recently had coffee with someone who has walked my road and is a kickass friend who helps me unravel my shit. She gets it. I am so grateful to be able to go and bleed over a cup of coffee with her....and walk out lighter. It saves me. And it saves many who love me ---- that they dont have to witne...

This came up on my timeline this morning. I read it and it resonated with me. It made me smile but only for a split second.  But then I remember. Almost a year ago to the day...I woke up to run Two Oceans and Russ was supposed to run with me. Everything was good . Except he was still feeling a bit nauseous and I suggested he not run this year. He agreed and graciously made me coffee and taxi-ed myself and my friends to the start line. He drove away with a farway look in his eyes - typical runner FOMO - pissed off that we could not do it together.  Next year we said. Five days later we got the diagnosis. Five months later he was gone.  I fight a silent battle. I have seen how quickly something amazing can fall apart. I have felt pain like I never believed possible. I have fought like a freaking beast to survive and (by the grace of God) even thrive.  I am so afraid to be happy. I am afraid to look ahead and make plans.  It scares the living s...

Part One Here Part Two Here ....So he invited me to go see Goldfish at Shimmy's with his best friends... being the closet clubber that I am I was totally up for the jol. In fact, I Could Not Wait. Taken at Shimmy - I was still pretty shy and retiring back then. A few things unfolded in the two weeks prior to Shimmys though...here is the short version. 1. We ended up at the Sevens final together - along with Levi, Rachel and my folks. 2. We spent time along with our kids and some other friends at the beach - the most notable being an afternoon breaking in the SUP board at Kommetjie. 3. He met some of my close friends at a sundowners evening at Noordhoek. We spent much time talking - mostly being completely ridiculous. We did not regularly compare grief notes. Our relationship has never been based on our mutual losses at all - it is a big deal but it is NOT the pivot around which we turn. I spent way too much time telling him  how I was completely able to tak...

Russell believed I was amazing.  And he would often tell me so.  I used to look at him in disbelief because he knew me SO well and despite  that fact still thought I was this incredible human being.  I remember looking him squarely in the eye and telling him : The only reason I am who I am is because you love me unconditionally. Because we are a team. You give me the courage and confidence to be exactly who I am at any stage of my life. When he left this world the impact on me was so utterly devastating. It was as if someone had taken my roots and pulled them out. I felt lost, vulnerable and completely alone - like a toddler lost in a shopping mall. I was a shadow of myself. His love for me; mine for him - that was my anchor and safe place. The space from which I could safely launch myself into the world. I will never take anyone I love for granted again. It can happen so easily, so surreptiously.  Take stock of those aro...

Tuesday started pretty damn well. A drive to beautiful Kommetjie first thing in the morning, 3 cups of coffee along with lots of laughs with a very special friend. Later I arrived home to find a builder mate of mine waiting to give me some input on changes that need to be made to my home.  He offered plenty of advice for me on how to go forward with some of the plans I have in mind and we engaged in some healthy trail and boxing banter (he's a runner too). I was feeling normal. Like myself. And quite chipper actually. I pottered back inside, found the kids all working quietly and doing their thing. I wandered into the kitchen and before I knew what was happening I had begun to unpack some of the storage cupboards. One thing led to another and suddenly I was overwhelmed by piles of stuff. His stuff. His office space.  This happens. I feel good and able to meander through the day. I attempt to tackle the hit-list that is my home.....and time after time I ...

This weekend I went to ULTRA . I went on invitation with a group of friends and have to say I was tentatively excited. I told myself it was not a 'rave' but a music festival.....that way I did not freak myself out. :-) It was an unforgettable 10 hour experience. I honestly have seldom felt more alive and in my own skin. Part of me felt guilty. Part of me felt ashamed that this is what I needed to feel like myself. Surely I should be 'grieving more appropriately' ? As these thoughts all began crashing into my brain, threatening to suffocate me in the middle of the heaving crowd, the opening bars of   "See You Again" reverberated through the air. In that moment every single negative emotion vanished. The clarity I experienced was incredible. Russell knew me better than anyone. He knew my way of dealing with life was often not straight and narrow. He also knew my boundaries were rock solid and that ultimately I did what needed to be done to ...